A Sunday in July 2005

It is Sunday morning. It took me at least 30mins to get to sleep last night. I kept worrying. Wanted to put more stuff down but resisted. Don’t know whether that is good or bad. I still feel tired. It is 9:30 am, legs just shaking. I feel very tense and shaky. I am meeting my friend in an hour and a half so going to get up.

Should I take the tablet??? Logically I do not think I should take the tablet as I am not depressed, I wanna get up, I can’t keep still. I could lie and not take it. They did make me feel better last time.

It is 10:20; I am showered and dressed in my Gym kit. It has taken 40mins, I have been pacing most of the time I used to be able to get up and dressed in less than 15mins. I am still shaking and my legs are twitching. I can stop it but it is kind of more comfortable to let it happen. My head starts racing if I stop. I am going down for breakfast. Once I made that decision my leg just stopped and does not want to shake further. I am now worried there is nothing wrong, I feel a bit calmer and have just stopped. I feel sadder. That must make me really sick and actually want to be ill!! :o), I just feel numb and have a blank mind now. I will go down for breakfast while I am not shaking. I don’t know whether to take the tablet!

I have had my breakfast; I had two slices of toast and marmalade, a glass of fruit juice and a banana. I looked at the yakult in the fridge but forgot to have it.

I have just been thinking about what I was like as a child, stuff that might help the psychiatrist. A quick list as I am going out, I was always the weird one in the class, always called names, every school report said I lacked confidence, everyone called me shy although my friends disagree and I agree with my friends. I have been told I am the quietest person people have ever met although not in the last few years. As a younger child I was in trouble a lot for day dreaming and often sent out of the room as I could not sit on the chair for very long. Maybe I have ADHD?? I am going to stop trying to diagnose my self as I do not think it is very good for me!! I did not speak to the teacher when I first started school. I was too shy but I think I have grown out of it many many many years ago (ie. secondary school). My Mum still tells everyone I am shy.

Anyway; 10:45 must call my Friend. She is not ready for the gym so I have a bit longer. My mind has gone blank again. I am not going to take the tablets as I am not depressed, I have been depressed before and this is not the same!!

My friend is worried because a few years ago in the pub I went into the toilets and could not stop crying. The doctor had prescribed me antidepressants a little while before and I would not take them as I did not feel depressed. After that night I felt awful and I think I started taking them again. They do seem to give me a boost but depression is not the cause. I am getting a natural boost and extra hope from the support I am receiving from the social worker and my friend anyway. I do think there is something wrong with me though!! I do not seem to belike other people and do not feel I belong.

Right, I am going to pack my swimming gear and spend a few hours at the gym. I quite like writing this though it gives me a chance to get things off my chest.

I have just read yesterdays document, it all sounds quite normal does that mean there is nothing wrong with me and there is no help out there??? That has to be the worse thing as it means I have just been attention seeking. I would just have been wasting people’s time and a burden to others. But does that mean I want something to be wrong with me. Now that is sick!! I am going to be late to meet my friend and I still have not got my swimming stuff together.

I want to get everything off my chest but I should go and get exercise as otherwise I will be told to pull my life together. :o(