Sunday, July 16, 2006

A Horrible Experiance

I do not usually dream but last night I had a horrible experiane. The bad experiance was more when I woke up than the dream it self. Let me explain...

I was having a good dream, it was nothing special but it was comfortable. It was a bit like the film 'Matrix' in the sense that there was a virtual world. I had to go to this training facility to determine my destiny in life. The best outcome was you lived in the virtual world as a super hero and the worse was you died in the cyber world and had to return home to live with my parents.

Early on the dream I felt like I was waking up, I dreamt that I turned to my ex and said 'I don't want to wake up as I am having a really good dream'. I told him it was like one I had before. In the dream he said he remembered when I thought I had this dream before and it was not a dream it was a film on DVD. I turned over to finish watching the film/dream.

Anyway back to the dream....
A few people I already knew had already got their destinies, they all ended up as Super Heros almost by accident. They just fell into the cyber world at the right time. I was feeling left out as I was just a no one in the virtual world. I was given another chance though, I had this mission to follow a bad guy but he must not see me. I was advised to read the rules before I started. So I sat down and read them. I was told the badie would not leave the room until I was ready to start.

The dream jumped again and I was following a challenge and I had to look for a little ticket on the ground which had destinies marked on them. One said parachute into to the virtual world and make a life for yourself, it felt like it would be a good life. I wanted more though, I wanted to be a super hero like my friends. There were then no tickets left and was searching desperately but people were chasing me.

I was then in some kind of hospital, I was very weak and a baby again. I had to be breast fed. I pushed my mother away and I was then in two roles, I had to feed myself. I was on the brink of dying in the virtual world but I fed myself and made myself strong again. If I died in the virtual world I would have to return home to my parents.

As I grew stronger I was then given another chance with the game I had been reading the instructions for. I had to find the entrance to the game though. I could not find it. My sister was helping me look but she wondered off and left me alone again.

I was then back in the hospital and I was told I had to hand over this leather case to be cleaned. It had three DVD's in. Two were removed easiliy but the last one would not come out. The nurses forced it and then I followed my mother along the corridor, she had the DVD and was going to clean it.

After the DVD had been removed from the pouch I felt like I had a more balanced view of life.

Someone damned that film I was watching, they said the place I was in was real and I did have to find my own destiny however with the DVD it would be very dangerous to stop watching the DVD now and unfortunately I would have to put it back in. I though I had been stupid and everyone was telling me I should never have started watching the film. I did not choose to start watching it though and I had no choice or warning. I felt everyone was looking down their nose at me though.

I woke up shortly after that, I had been sleeping very deeply and had not stirred. I was wet with sweat and had a stiff neck.

As I lie in bed getting comfortable again, I remembered I had not taken my tablets, I put the vivid dream down to this and the fact I had couple of glasses of wine. I thought about getting up to take them but decided not to as I was so shattered.

I started going back to sleep again but I woke up with a shock. What if I fell asleep and someone put the DVD back in. Maybe I would not let them take it out next time and I would be trapped in that world of looking to be a super hero, it would make me ill again. But I might no be able to take that CD out again!!

If I could not take it out I may never wake up again from that hell of searching or that hell of having to feed myself and make myself better. I woke up with a shock again and sat up quickly. I calmed myself down and told myself it was silly. But everytime my eyes started to close that fight or flight response kept kicking in. I was frightened to go to sleep incase I could not take the DVD out again, I would not beable to wake up if I did not take it out. If this was thes case I might go into a comma and never wake up! I then thought if I took the tablets and I have been drinking it may make me fall into that deep sleep / coma and I would never wake up!! I could not win!!

I got up in the end and took the tablets, I must have fallen asleep instantly after that. I slept through until morning.

I do not know whether it was a security in the tablets that made me fall asleep or the chemicals themselves. My psychiatrist said I can come off them after 2 years but I am even more scared about that now!!

It might be worth adding that when I was psychotic last year I did not sleep for over a week because I really believed that if I fell asleep I would die!!


james said...

i have had nights like that. i can never pick out anything as specific about what i am thinking of /dreaming of - but i always started up when something in my head clicked... yet i couldnt get out of it i could not get up and get a glass of water or whatever i always tried in vain to get back to sleep...

it was always a fear about work (i'm kindof anxious about my work situation most of the time)

i'm glad you managed to get up in the end and get your tablets.

Raine said...

I always have dreams that I am back at work and cant do the job...............

Annie said...

It's good to know I am not the only one :o). It was a really frightening and impossible to work out what thoughts were sensible and which were completely wrong.

James - I wrote down what happened in the middle of the night so I would remember to tell my psychiatrist otherwise I would only have remembered the anxiety and not the trigger.

Raine - that must be horrible :o(

wolfbaby said...

I hate the bad dreams that make you afraid to go back to sleep... it's not uncommon for me to be walking around at 2 in the am, if I am having problems gaining control of them...