Sunday, July 23, 2006

I went into Richmond (south west London) yesterday andmet some friends from the Social Anxiety UK discussion board. I had a really nice time and I am lokingforward to going again! We are arranging something for two weeks time! Meeting other people with SA really helps my confidence, it stops me feeling like such a freak seeing all these normal people who are nice to talk to. I don't think I have ever met such a nice understanding group of people.

A friend I have known since my student days came to visit today, we wenttosee baby Livia (my honarary neice) she is nearly 6 weeks old already!! Afterwards the two of us went to the pub and had a really good chat. We talked about men and having babies and stuff. I told her I have seen my ex a few times recently, I had not told ny of my other friends this incase they disapproved! She was really understanding about me still thinking of him as a friend and caring about him although I would not want us to get back together. I no longer fancy him and we want different things from life.

She said how well she thought I was doing. I told her that I was going to get my teeth straightened. She is one of the first people I have told. She did ask why I did not get it done as a kid and I could comfortably tell her my Mum would not take me to the dentist. I tried asking my Mum to take me once but she would not. It was nice to talk about it though and my friend started to understand why I am not close to my family. She thought it was a great idea and even agreed that there was no rush to buy a house if I wanted to spend the money getting my teeth fixed.

We spoke a bit about when I was ill, it was really nice to talk to someone about it, she is the first person who has not assumed that the break up with my ex caused all my problems and believed I was not right before all that happened.

Apparently the day I rang my boss and told him I was going to kill myself I also rang her and sent her into a panic. She said if it had not been for the London bombings she would have come straight round. She alsosaid it was good that I called my boss as he called emergency services that led to me getting some help. She does not think she would have been able to get me the help I needed. It was really good talking to her, I feel like I got a lot off my chest which was nice. We have also made further plans about going to New York is September :o)

I have had a really good weekend!! :o)

I have my Mum on msn saying she wants to set up a second computer for stupid reasons such as Dad has not installed word, will blame her if it goes wrong and all the rest of it. I wish my parents showed some love towards each other. It makes me really sad when they pick fault with each other. I also get very sad that I will never be close to my Mum and will never know why she refused to take me to the dentist or cared enough to ask why I sat in my room and never came out every evening after school for five years. She is 70 now and I think it is better for her to finish her years happy and content believing she is a good mother and my problems are all down to my ex leaving me. She still argues with the psychiatrists diagnosis :o(. My relationship with my Mum makes me very sad. I sometimes think the reason I can not get close to others is because I never bonded with my Mum. I do love her but we have no mutual understanding or respect :o(

Anyway bedtime for me, I will post again soon!

My Mum has just signed off MSN saying goodnight sweet heart, love you lots. This makes me fell riddled with guilt about the way I feel about her :o(. I love her but only because she is my Mum not for who she is. I will never express my love for her openly and never forgive her for the rose coloured spectacles she wears when she looks at me. I will never forgive her for leaving me to cry when I needed her or not noticing how much I was suffering and making me feel guilty for taking medication. Even when I push her away I am not free of the guilt she imposes on me. I feel I am either exagerating it and being unfair, pushing her away on purpose but I have tried talking to her but she only hears what she wants to hear and can not see past her tinted specs! When I look at the situation I have the problem relating to others not her! I don't think I will ever be free of these feelings. I wish I could get angry and tell her how I feel. There is no good outcome from this though, she will either continue to select what she wants to hear or feel guilty about things in the past that can not be changed. From the attempts I have made in the past I think she will go for the fist option. There is nothing to be gained by trying to talk to her.



Raine said...

You know alot ( heck MOST ) people have NO understanding of mental illness. Particularly in the older generations the only thing they have ever known is "if your child is mentally ill then it HAS to be the parents fault". They have no understanding of genetics or of the illnesses themselves and because of the mindsets of their generations I think that a child being mentally ill is a slap in the face for them. This is not an excuse just a thought I wanted to share with you that I think about myself is all.

Annie said...

Thanks Raine, that makes me feel better when you look at it like that.