I finally managed to pin my supervisor and line manager down and discuss my job title. I learned that they have no problem with my performance or my ability but it as just not as good as anyone elses in the department. I also learned that they have every faith in my ability but I have not been given the opportunities to develop further. And whose bloody fault is that!!!!
At least I now have something solid I can work with and now I am extremely angry with those I trusted. I blame them. I was stupid enough to trust these people and when they told me I was doing well I believed them. When it came down to putting anything in writing they could not show I was as good as any other. They say I am good at what I do but have not been given the opportunities. I am so angry with these people. Why didn't they tell me I could do these things better and show me how. I feel so vulnerable and I feel these people have taken advantage of me and my need for their approval.
I have a job I love and they are asking what they can do to help. Or some anyway. A colleague rang me when I was very upset this week and his concern both surprised and showed me that on some level he cares. Even if he was more worried it was personal than for my welfare he has been kind. My old supervisor although caring does not hide the fact that it is a part of his job and any support stops at 5pm. My manager has seen childish aggressive behavior from me and I do not think he understands why. My new supervisor is yet to realise what hell she is in for.
The sallary is good, the flexible working is essential with my medication and this is all in the past. I believe altho' this mapping process is tough and unfair there is now a structure to change things. Do I flee in anger and start job hunting or do I stay in an enviroment I feel has been bad for me and stay with I have taken advantage of me. The interview process maybe worse tho'.
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