I got up this morning feeling as I have done every morning recently, I got dressed, not exactly in my best clothes but wore a skirt to keep cool and a green top. As I looked in the full length mirror on the way out I saw some woman looking back who dressed like they were 50 and has no fashion sense.
I left the house anyway and headed off for work. The automatic negative thoughts got the better of me and by the time I got to work I felt like a complete total missfit. I kept going, I got out the car to walk to the office but I felt like the people walking behind me were making judgements and sniggering. Wen I walked up the stairs someone held the door open for me, they seemed tolook me up and down and laught too. I passed two other people on the way to my desk and the same happened.
I sat at my desk shaking and sweating for about 5 minutes, it felt like everyone was staring at me. I managed to turn the computer on but I could not cope with sitting there. When I wanted to go and get a drink but I could not face standing up.
I sent an instant message to my boss saying I was not feeling well and I needed to take the morning off. That was a big mistake, I may as well said I am going to gohome and cut my wriats. I should have said I had to take the cat to the vet or something. He called me into his office and started questioning me. He said I could go home as long as I went down to occupational health first. The thought of walking through site with everyone starring was enough to make me cry so I decided I would stay at work. I tried this for a few minutes but think my boss staring at me too.
I emailed occupational health and told them I was having a bad day and needed to take a few hours off. Could I go now and go to see her this afteroon. She would not let me and said I had to go and see her there and then. I sat in her office and had to face a detailed third degree on my medication, the support I have been getting (or lack of it) how work was, and how much holiday I had taken. Eventually after sweating buckets and shaking I was allowed to come home and get changed.
This would have all been nice if I thought any of them were doing it because they cared about me and wanted to make sure I was ok. I think they aredoing it cos i is their job and they have to! None of them cared last year when I needed the help!
On the radio on the way home they were talking about everyones sense of fashion going out of the window and people just wear as fewer clothes as possible. This is the type of thing that sent me psychotic last time. I'm a bit scared incase I was hearing things. Unless there is a God after all and he is making sure I hear what I need to hear! Either way I laughed at the time but now I am a bit scared.
Anyway I have got changed and put on my favourite jeans (not suppose to wear jeans to work but hey that's the least of my problems today.) I made my consultation appointment at the Orthadontist today. It is on the 6 September! If I work on my appearance I think I will feel a bit more confident.
Anyway, I best get back to work! At least it will stop the shitty thoughts!
1 comment:
Hi Annie. Sorry to hear about your day. Try not to worry about what people think about you (I do it all the time too, though!). I often get hypervigilance and a huge startle reflex in work because I start thinking that way. People do judge others but thats usually all they do. If they act out their judgements they are unjustified. And they are usually as worried about people judging them, thats why they judge first. Yeah... I'm sure you know all that though.. I'm no psychologist.
I do believe in God. If you want to find out about the whole God / Jesus thing, you could try reading a book like 'Questions of Life' by Nicky Gumbel or Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. I read them both, and then I became a Christian later (in a kind of unrelated way), which I'm sure most people think is utterly bonkers. But I found that reading the books was almost theraputic even before I believed. I always got a sneaky read in when no one was looking (it is quite embarrasing reading a Christian book, it has to be said).
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