Saturday, May 06, 2006

About me

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder after a psychotic episode last summer. I think I had a mixed episode with psychosis and anxiety. It was really frightening and I believed I was dying but no one would tell me. I did not sleep for over a week but I did not feel tired and would pace and walk around rather than sitting still! My mind was racing and my beliefs got more and more terrifying.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 23 and I have had three severe episodes since then. Last summer was the first time I was psychotic and I would rather die and than go through that again. I thought I was dying and a part of me did.

I remember feeling very anxious since I was extremely young, I mean in kindergarten and infant school. I would not speak to the teachers, I was frightened and I was getting told off for being rude because I would not answer the teachers. I was always in trouble but I never said a word. I now believe I had selective mutism which is an anxiety disorder. I was just seen as rude and naughty.

At the moment I am well, I take 150mg Sertraline (also known as Lustral or Zoloft) for my anxiety and I take 200mg of Quetiapine as a mood stabiliser.

I have been stable for about 6 months now, I am back at work and doing well, I am going to the US next sunday for a week on business - I'm really enjoying work.

I don't ever remember being as content with myself as I am right now. I hoovered this morning purely because I did not like the bits on the floor, in the past I have hoovered regularly even obsessively as I would be worried that people thought I was dirty or did not look after myself. I'm cooking today and there is only me to eat it. I sat in the park on my own yesterday and did not feel like people were looking at me and watching me! Life is great right now.

I have started this blogg for a few reasons, firstly if one new person understands what it is like to be ill in the mind and understands a friend or family member I will be really happy, it will all be worth it!

Secondly while I was sick I felt no body understood, I still can't talk to my friends and family about my illness so I feel really isolated and alone. I'd love to hear about other people’s methods of coping.

Finally I really really enjoy the little things in life, a dandylion growing in the grass, the smell a frosty morning, a comfortable bed, a hot bath, someone saying thank you, the company of my nephew. I have always been too anxious or had my mind running too fast to notice these things before!

I first wanted to kill myself when I was about 12; to everyone else I was just a moody teenager who spent all my time in my room (nobody ever came to see what I was doing) nobody cared. I was an easy target for bullies and I would hang around with all the other kids who were bullied. Some of whom are still good friends. But I was not happy, I planned my suicide, I put the suicide note under my mattress and planned to take an overdose about a mile from my house down a farm track called green lane. I just never went through with it; I clinged to the hope that life would get better.

That’s enough for now, I want this blogg to be about the little things in life that I really appreciate as I have never really felt in control and enjoyed life so much!

4 comments:

Alepsi said...

Hi... I suppose you don't know who am I... well I don't know who are you, I'm here just for chance... but I think your blog is very interesting. I'm a psychology student from Spain (so, I'm sorry for my english...)and... I think that it is very important that people with mental illnesses write their experiences as you do... Just by this way the world could understand a little bit more of this things...

Again, I'm sorry for my bad english... I'm triying to imrpove it!

Adrienne said...

I was about 11-12 when I realized that my mind was a battlefield that I could not win. I obcessed about my suicide 24-7 and lived as a shell of a person. I went through the motions of everyday life, as I died on a daily basis. Anyone who has not suffered from mental illness has no way of understanding the agony. I would rather have cancer or my linbs trn off. The pain of the mind is second to none. I have been to hell and back, many times. Now, as ironic and as sick as it sounds, Im starting all over with my 13 year old bipolar daughter. No matter how much I can actually say "I DO UNDERSTAND", it doesnt help her. I feel so badly for her, my heart is broken. But i know that if I can survive, she can also. I will do EVERYTHING to get her healthy and keep her safe from herself. Thanks for having a place to vent. God bless

Been there before said...

I really enjoyed your sight. I have a 23 year old daughter who suffers from bipolar disorder. She is not on medication or getting treatment. She is currently in a manic state and totally out of touch with basic day-today issues. She has met the love of her life. She living in a fantasy world full of distant plans. She can't do any of the things that need to be done today to make her dreams come true, like get a job to pay for her car insurance and an $800 phone bill that is due in 5 days. I suffer from clinical depression but I have hyperactive spells. I'm trying to be supportive and help her focus on what has to be done NOW so she can move out of my home and get married. It's so hard to find balance for myself. I keep trying to help, but I've run out of money from supporting her while she has been in school. It helps to know I'm not the only one and to know the special issues that go with this disorder. Thanks so much. If you feel like talking, my e-mail address is jacsheart@gmail.com Take care and keep up the good work.
Jeanine

David said...

Hello Annie
My name is David from Cardiff and I have a Blog about my Bipolar Disorder hosted on a Website called the Personality Zone. I stumbled across it by chance as I was looking for somewhere suitable to vent. It's an American Website and I feel that Americans understand the disorder better than us Brits.
I came to your blog after reading and article link on Bipolar Central.
Keep Blogging.