Tuesday, May 09, 2006

A trip to the Psychiatrist

I went to see my Psychiatrist this morning; I am only going every three months at the moment, as I am considered stable.

We discussed changing my medication as I sleep too much. I said I was nervous about making changes, as I am reasonably stable at the moment. I don't want to rock the boat! I am just going to take them last thing at night rather than teatime, see if I can stay up a little later.

I also asked him about my Mum's theory that I had selective mutism as a child. He supported this theory and we discussed how I have learned to cope. I am an expert in avoiding having to speak to people. Although I don't want to do this anymore it has become instinct. It is not that bad others resort to alcohol. I was more aware of it after my appointment this morning.

I tried not avoiding people and I really enjoyed it. Firstly when I went to the cafe for my afternoon can of coke and chocolate, I instinctively went to take it back to my desk but then decided to sit down and take a 10-minute break. Instead of feeling everyone was watching me and thinking I was weird or bad for sitting on my own I just watched the social interactions going on around me. I felt quite relaxed and a part of life rather than an on looker. Then my manager and a supervisor from another department came in, I went to get up to leave in case they talked to me. I stopped myself and just sat there - I carried on looking around and even looked towards them to make eye contact if they saw me. I was sweating 5mins later - but it was a BIG step forwards and I am going to go over there tomorrow afternoon too!

It is funny if I have a purpose to a conversation I will do it - it is small chat and socialising I really struggle with!

I had a chat with my Mum this evening about not wanting to go to Cambridge when I get back from the US next week. She took it really well so I told her about my appointment this morning. It was nice to have someone who cared. Sometimes I feel so alone as no one understands. I speak to my boss at work as he seems to care and is very supportive, He seems to genuinely be interested but if it was outside 9 to 5 and he was not being paid I wonder. He seems nice and a genuine friend it is just your boss is not the ideal person to confide in!

That's it for tonight. It is 9.30pm and I am still awake :o) - taking the meds earlier seems to be working!

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