Sunday, May 07, 2006

difficulty getting support...

I tried to stay awake and watch a film on channel four last night. Unfortunately I fell asleep about half an hour before the end. I do that quite a lot these days. I find I really need my sleep. If I don't get enough sleep my mind is likely to rush or I feel quite low.

I am going to Indianapolis next week on business, one part of me is really looking forward to an opportunity to get to know the faces of people I work with on the phone. I arrive at 7pm on Sunday night and I have meetings all day every day until 3pm Friday when I get a taxi back to the airport. I am also expected to be sociable in the evenings so I know I am going to be chattered, I intend to make my excuses at least one evening and get room service as my health comes first and I need chill out time.

I arrive back in London at 10am on the Saturday morning. My mother and my sisters are pressuring me to go up to Cambridge on the Sunday, I would really like to as it will be one of my sisters 40th and also the celebration of my parents 30th anniversary. I want to go but if I am too tired I will be irritable, I won't talk to anyone and I will have a tough time staying awake. I have said I will make up my mind on the Sunday morning. I am not popular with my family at the moment, as I did not send my Dad a birthday card last week. I bought him a present and rang him three times on the day but all they see is I did not send a card.

I really need my sleep; I find it is key to staying well. I love my job so I often get really involved in it at work. When I get home after a good day my mind can rush for days. Then a depression follows. I sleep all weekend and then my diet and exercise goes to pot. It can take me weeks to recover and get my routine back. It will be a challenge for me to cope while I am away - I don't think my family realise what they are asking me to do by going out for the day the weekend I get back!! I wish they understood, as it is they just think I am selfish for not making the effort!
The thing is I would really have liked to go - I think if they understood they would have arranged it for a different weekend, they knew I had to go away when they picked the time.

It has only been this week that I feel I am managing to recover from Easter. It was my Mum’s 70th Birthday and I had her stay for a week. I was still going to work too and she arranged for me to go out for dinner with her friend on the Friday evening. We went to my sisters for the day on the Saturday, I also went to visit an old friend of hers on the Sunday, which I really wanted to do! My Mum and Dad woke me up on the Sunday morning (about 11am) I put my clothes on and slept all the way there in the car. I stayed awake for about 4 hours for the visit; I slept all the way home. I had to take a day off work after they had gone home - I felt so dizzy and tired.

I tried to watch a film with my parents when I got home as my Mum said the problem was that I slept too much. About 2 mines before the end my Mum got up to go toilet - she asked me to stop the film but as I was fighting to keep my eyes open I kept watching it and said I would rewind it for her. This way I could go to bed. She refused to watch the end of the film - went to bed without saying anything - and complained the next morning that I had given her palpitations!

If anyone reads this - please leave me a comment - what do you think I should do? - She does not help me manage my illness - I have tried giving her some reading material but she says I have not got bipolar - My psychiatrist says I have and the more I read about it the more it fits - my Mum seems to think she knows what it is like inside my head more than I do - some things I only discuss with my psychiatrist but I really need more support than 30 mins a month!

When my mind rushes it skips from one thing to another and I get bright ideas but to higher expectations and think the ideas are better than they are! A good nights sleep usually puts things into perspective.

To stay well I know I need to eat healthily, exercise regularly and get enough sleep. If my mind rushes the most important thing to do is calm down in time for bed. I find yoga and a hot bath usually does the job. If I get too tired it is really difficult to exercise or find the energy to cook and do the laundry. If I am living in a mess I get depressed very quickly.

I'm going swimming this afternoon, I will then come home for dinner before going Salsa dancing, it will be my first time Salsa dancing at this place and I am going on my own!

Please leave me a comment if you have any ideas how I can get some support from my Mum! It upsets me that I cannot go to the family party and she makes me feel guiltier. I am fighting to stay well and keep my independence. One reason for this is if I loose my well-paid job I would have nowhere to go other than my mothers and she does not understand my illness.

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