Friday, May 26, 2006

I'm Exhausted!

I am exhausted after a really busy week. I have just been to the supermarket tonight to put some food in the fridge before my parents come tomorrow. I bought my best friend some flowers. Her baby is due on Monday and she looks about ready to burst. I invited her and her husband around for dinner on Monday; I thought it might help pass the time for them. When I saw her face I realised it was a bad idea - she suddenly looked exhausted at the thought. I should have realised.

I completed the document I have been working really hard on at work. I got it finished by lunchtime and my boss read it this afternoon. He said it was really good for a first attempt at that type of document. He only had a few comments, which is good for him - he will happily rip things to shreds if he is not happy.

I had lunch with my boss today - he has just got engaged and is really really happy and content with life. He really deserves his happiness he has been really good to me and very understanding. He was talking about his wedding plans, which bought back how I felt when I was engaged last year. I was about at the stage he is now discussing venues and the type of wedding he would like. Then it all went wrong for me; my partner of 8 years decided to end it.

Although I am really excited about my friends baby and really happy for my boss a part of me is jealous. I feel really bad about it but I wanted the marriage and the home and the family. My chances of it seem really slim now. That is what is driving me to break this social anxiety thing.

I watched Eastenders tonight and Little Mo was leaving, She was suppose to go with the Doctor, Oliver, and start a new life. She had a row with him and decided to leave without him. He ran after her and met her in the tube. He asked her to think again and go with him instead. She said she loved him but would not go, she made a little speech and it really rang true to me...

Her speech starts off 'I have been little Mo too long......' It goes on to say how she has always relied on someone else for her happiness and has always been scared. She needs to go on her own to stop being scared, she was saying she has to make her self happy.

I am trying to make myself happy but it is not that easy :o(. I have decided to start looking for a flat to buy. I am in two minds though, the driver to do it is I want a garden and I want to decorate. I used to own a house with my ex. The down side is that I have to face that I will probably be on my own for some time!! I think buying a flat is the right thing to do as I can not wait for someone else to make me happy - Mr Right may never come - I can only work on increasing my social interactions to give me the best chance! I think a garden so I can grow things and a flat to make into a proper home will start to making me happier on my own.

I probably will not post for the next few days as my parents are coming to stay. I am going to try Salsa dancing on Sunday- I promised myself!! Maybe someone nice will be there.

I feel exhausted at the moment; I have bags under my eyes and messy greasy hair. With the jet lag, going out on Wednesday and my workload I have not had time to wash it. Before my parents come tomorrow I am going to go swimming, go to the Sauna and have a good shower - I will style my hair and put some make up on. I have just bought a new lipstick and nail varnish ready for Salsa dancing.

I think it is time to put more effort into my appearance to help me find Mr Right. I am pretty plain looking and have gooffey teeth. My hair is always a mess. Up until now I have not seen any point on working on my appearance as I thought only shallow people judge you on your appearance and presides I will still be ugly even after spending ages getting ready in the mornings. The fact is I still believe this but I want to meet new people and I think I would feel more comfortable with a little make up.

I never used to like to wear make up to work in case someone commented on it - I was frightened. I do not feel so anxious about that anymore. I'd probably like the attention!

1 comment:

Raine said...

I think its a great idea to buy yourself a flat. You should do what makes you happy and you can have a home without having a man. I dont know how old you are, but I was 42 years old before I found "Mr. Right" and I had quit looking. I had come to a place in my life where I was quite content being with myself. It was much better than being with Mr. Wrong and I had found that out that hard way repeatedly. I had had several bad relationships and just didnt want to bother anymore and I was truly content with my own company and then here he comes. You never know whats gonna happen and when. I think you are totally doing the right thing in making your own life your own way and enjoying it.