Lonely

I'm bored; I get lonely sometimes as I find it difficult to make friends. I avoid people out of habit - I have been doing it too long. I found myself waiting in the toilet cubicle at work the other day. I waited until everyone else had left the bathroom so I would not have to talk to anyone. I'm not nervous of it anymore but I have been avoiding people all my life so it is habit. I don't know how to meet people.

I am thinking of going to Salsa Dancing lessons tomorrow night; I'm quite nervous though. It says on the website that it is normal for people to turn upon their own. The instructor pairs everyone up. I find it difficult to strike up a conversation but I do not want to live on my own forever so I make myself go out in situations where I feel a little uncomfortable. It is Saturday evening and I am staying in on my own watching crap on TV like every other night!

It is not like I do not have any friends, I do have a few very close friends, most do not live in the same area and the only one that does is married and heavily pregnant, I see her and her husband about once a week but I can't impose any more than that.

I also get on well with my boss and the other people I work with, but they are all in relationships and I do not see any of them out of work. I only really talk about work with them. I talk to my boss a bit more; he has been a great source of support to me. I rang him when I was very ill and told him I did not want to die, he called the police and talked me down the stairs to the door on the phone. I don't think he realises that he probably saved my life. I had got ready to go and jump in front of the next train about half a mile from where I was living. He knows about my illness and has been very supportive.

I have told a few people at work about my bipolar, it is not common knowledge but I do not hide it. If people ask why I was off work for 4 months last summer and ask why I cancelled my career break to travel around the world, I tell them! Because I work in a professional environment and the company has an interest in psychiatric illness I have not had any problems. I did get a bit frustrated after returning to work last autumn. I was ready to do more work but my boss and occupational health wanted to protect me from a heavy workload, I was starting to go in and have nothing to do. It was all well intentioned and when I spoke to them it was all resolved. I'm getting on really well now and even have new responsibilities. I am coping a lot better with more responsibility than I did before with less responsibility.

I sometimes wonder about the bipolar diagnosis and other times I believe it is correct. My psychiatrist says he is as sure as he can be. He also says I was definitely psychotic last year and the tablets I am taking are anti psychotics and mood stabilisers. I have to take them for at least two years; if I stay stable for two years I can try reducing the dose very slowly. Right now I do not feel like I could get myself in such a state again.

Maybe the diagnosis is all wrong. My mother thinks so. I'm scared to stop taking the tablets though incase I get as ill as I was before. When I was in hospital last year one of the other psychiatrists said to me that he was not going to give me a diagnosis because people are individuals and should not be pigeon holed. The tablets work for me so I doubt if I will stop them anytime soon. I do have the normal dream of falling madly in love getting married and having a family. If I am ever lucky enough to have a family of my own I will stop taking them while I am pregnant.