Saturday, May 06, 2006

Lonely

I'm bored; I get lonely sometimes as I find it difficult to make friends. I avoid people out of habit - I have been doing it too long. I found myself waiting in the toilet cubicle at work the other day. I waited until everyone else had left the bathroom so I would not have to talk to anyone. I'm not nervous of it anymore but I have been avoiding people all my life so it is habit. I don't know how to meet people.

I am thinking of going to Salsa Dancing lessons tomorrow night; I'm quite nervous though. It says on the website that it is normal for people to turn upon their own. The instructor pairs everyone up. I find it difficult to strike up a conversation but I do not want to live on my own forever so I make myself go out in situations where I feel a little uncomfortable. It is Saturday evening and I am staying in on my own watching crap on TV like every other night!

It is not like I do not have any friends, I do have a few very close friends, most do not live in the same area and the only one that does is married and heavily pregnant, I see her and her husband about once a week but I can't impose any more than that.

I also get on well with my boss and the other people I work with, but they are all in relationships and I do not see any of them out of work. I only really talk about work with them. I talk to my boss a bit more; he has been a great source of support to me. I rang him when I was very ill and told him I did not want to die, he called the police and talked me down the stairs to the door on the phone. I don't think he realises that he probably saved my life. I had got ready to go and jump in front of the next train about half a mile from where I was living. He knows about my illness and has been very supportive.

I have told a few people at work about my bipolar, it is not common knowledge but I do not hide it. If people ask why I was off work for 4 months last summer and ask why I cancelled my career break to travel around the world, I tell them! Because I work in a professional environment and the company has an interest in psychiatric illness I have not had any problems. I did get a bit frustrated after returning to work last autumn. I was ready to do more work but my boss and occupational health wanted to protect me from a heavy workload, I was starting to go in and have nothing to do. It was all well intentioned and when I spoke to them it was all resolved. I'm getting on really well now and even have new responsibilities. I am coping a lot better with more responsibility than I did before with less responsibility.

I sometimes wonder about the bipolar diagnosis and other times I believe it is correct. My psychiatrist says he is as sure as he can be. He also says I was definitely psychotic last year and the tablets I am taking are anti psychotics and mood stabilisers. I have to take them for at least two years; if I stay stable for two years I can try reducing the dose very slowly. Right now I do not feel like I could get myself in such a state again.

Maybe the diagnosis is all wrong. My mother thinks so. I'm scared to stop taking the tablets though incase I get as ill as I was before. When I was in hospital last year one of the other psychiatrists said to me that he was not going to give me a diagnosis because people are individuals and should not be pigeon holed. The tablets work for me so I doubt if I will stop them anytime soon. I do have the normal dream of falling madly in love getting married and having a family. If I am ever lucky enough to have a family of my own I will stop taking them while I am pregnant.

1 comment:

Sage said...

Hi Annie,
May I be the one to take your Blog virginity (((smile))). I read your entire Blog and found it very enlightening indeed as I feel as I know you a bit already. I am also Bi-Polar and have suffered since my pre-teen years, so I think I comprehend your background there as well. i was hospitalized in my 20's for a few weeks but they never figured out what my problem was at that time. It was before BP as all they knew was then was Manic/Depression. After a bout with Thorazine the let me out. I drifted from job to job in my life which is typical BP as well as numerous relationships and marriages ( 4 to be exact) until finally my present wife got me the help I so desperately needed. Now I am on Topamax and Lexapro and doing much better, not perfect but better than anytime in my life of 58 years. Glad to see you are also feeling better. good that you are getting out and even coming to the States. That will be a nice trip as we do like you folks from Europe (guessing you are British, right?). My family and I live in Florida and if you come our way would be happy to make contact with you.
Until we write again... the please has been mine