Thursday, May 11, 2006

happy and content after 25 years of anxiety

It has been another beautiful day, the sun has been out and work has been really relaxed. I spent lunchtime alone again but I was sitting outside in the hot sun and looking up at the manor house. It was almost like one of those horrible American films that try to be English!

I made a few phone calls to people I work with who are based in Germany and Spain. I normally avoid the phone especially when working with people whose second language is English. I get nervous and worry they will think badly of me as I speak too fast and all my words roll into each other. I felt so relaxed and chilled out that I actually enjoyed making the calls it almost came naturally.

All my meetings for my week in Indy are starting to come together and I am making arrangement to meet the others who are travelling on Sunday at Heathrow. I'm quite looking forward to it now!

I left work early today and came home. I walked over to the park and sat by the pub. It has been a lovely day. I have never felt this settled and content in my life!

I was alone in the park but I felt content and at peace inside. I don't believe life can be this good - I keep expecting it to end!

I talked to three people I did not know in the park - I have never done that before. One person asked me what I was studying and I said, "I'm not, I am working". He said sorry and walked off, I wish I tried harder to make conversation.

I spoke to someone with a dog. The dog was trampling all over my work and me; he pulled the dog off and said sorry. I said I didn't mind!

Someone smiled and said hello to me on the way home. He was quite sexy. I hope I see him again!

I'm too happy to think about selective mutism and stuff but realising and acknowledging that I actually had an anxiety disorder when I was three years old and that has probably caused the depression for most of my life has helped me come to terms with my illness and realise that I am not an out cast and thinking people hate me and being nervous has made it difficult to make friends. I have been sick and it is not my fault!! My nephew is two and a half nearly as old as was when I started being mute at school - you cannot blame a child that young for their behaviour.

I learned to hate myself as I was always in trouble for not talking and being told I was rude for not saying hello to guests. But I could not help the anxiety I felt and it went undiagnosed for 25 years, I did not speak to my teachers and never asked a question in class until even at University. If I can live with that I am strong enough for anything!!!! I am actually starting to believe I am a nice person to know and people do not hate me!! Life is great and I am so lucky to understand that and appreciate it!!

I have to add I am actually quite talkative in meetings at work now. I started talking more when I was doing my postgraduate degree. I get a lot of encouragement at work from my boss and a lot of support from the whole department!


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I just want to say that I like your blog. Like you, I have bipolar II. I also have social Anxiety. For example, I always feel uncomfortable when I see somebody I know at a restaurant or a shopping mall. My anxiety becomes acute when I run into a professor or somebody whom I have dealt with on a professional level.