Staying with Mum

I am staying with my Mum for a few days, she had an operation on her knee last week so I am here to look after her. At least I have internet access for a bit :o) !!

I feel much better now, I do not have the slightest desire to bite myself, I tried it but it hurts!!

Self Harm as a Release

I have always thought of self harm as a cry for help and never seriously attempted it before as I was worried that people would think I am attention seeking and being a spoilt brat.

Yesterday I had a particulary bad day at work, I had put all my effort into two peices of work and really gave it everything I had. I thought on Wednesday it was complete, when I went in yesterday morning a very senior person in the company said simply he had changed his mind and did not want to use the wording I provided as an alternative for his inappropriate proposal. He wrote quite a rude and abrupt email so that really upset me.

I did not do any work yeasterday and I was in tears a couple of times. I was really ready to just resign and have done with it. I have been living in this town for nearly 5 years and I have tried really hard to meet people during the last 18 months and there is still no one I can call upon to go to the pub with after a bad day! I was seriouslg considering quitting my job and moving closer to my family. After all, a stressful famly is better than no famly!

I watch TV until 11pm just in numb mode, I went to bed and cryed for a while. After a bit the idea of self harm came into my head, I thought of the kitchen knives and I tried to cut myself wih a huge chopper. I did not want to cut deep as I did not want anyone to know. It did not matter if people thought I was attention seeking, I knew I was not!! In fact I did not want anyone to know!

The knives did not cut me, they were too blunt. I covered a used light bulb with a cloth and smashed it with a hammer. It took quite some effort to cut through my skin and draw blood. I was really surprised about how thick my skin is.

I have only managed a cut of about 1 cm. I felt quiet in the mind after, it was a release. I forced myself to get up and go to work this morning. I must have looked a right wreck. I did not wash, (I cleaned teeth cos of my brace) but I threw dirty clothes on and went to work.

It was really hard wth peple saying morning and stuff, I went to the bathroom several time and tryed to bite myself. I gotr some good hard bites up both arms but did not draw blood. It was a release from an unbearable situation.

At lunch time my boss (who I think of as a friend) asked me to join him for lunch. We had a good chat about things and I felt a lot better this afternoon :o). I do not feel like harming myself anymore.

I now understand that self harm is not attention seeking, those people I listened to many years ago when I was frst contemplating it were wrong. Self harm is a release. I in no way want to kill myself or stop living but the self harm is a coping strategy. Not an ideal one but it take the emotional pain away.

I know I probably need a bit more help right noe but I do not want to bother the doctor or psychiatrist this close to Christmas. Anyway I do not want more meds and I do not want pity. My chat at lunch time was the help I needed.

I am going to get my PC fixed in the new year as a matter of a priority, my blogg is definitely a better release than bites.

The bite marks are gone now, but they took several hours to go. I hope they do not bruise as I do not want to wear long sleeves all over Christmas.

Sorry for such a depressive post so close to Christmas, but it helps to write these things down. I still feel I have a new confidence, I am not bad for wanting to harm myself, it was a coping strategy until someone had time for me!

Contemplating Life

I have not been to work today, I overslept as I could not sleep last night. I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life, at every stage a voice comes into my head about what other people will think. I do not consciously think I must do this or I must not do that because other people will disapprove. The voice of disapproval usually sounds like my sisters or my mothers. Life is tough enough trying to make your self happy and content, from now on I am going to climb every mountain, ford every stream, follow every rainbow, until I find my dream!!

For the time being this may mean loosening the ties between myself and my mother and my sister. Not in a way they would notice but I am not going to allow their opinion to influence my mood so much. This is my life no one elses!

I have always had a very clean-cut life, always doing the right thing by other people and worrying what others think. I am going to take a risk, the people I know well may see a change, the thought of loosing their respect or friendship terrifies me. However they do not and cannot fulfil my need for love and companionship! I need others and to do that I need to go out there and let my hair down!!

I DO NOT LIKE THE PERSON I AM!!


-- looking from the outside in --

Miserable

I feel really miserable and fed up. I had a good day at work, it was office clear up day so I threw a lot of old folders out and cleaned my desk. That all went well.

I had my end of year review this afternoon and that went well and was all positive. I should get a pa rise in April.

I got home from work about 6pm and watched a spot of TV. I spoke to ‘Mr Apparently Creepy Guy’ again. Then I went to the local pub for dinner. The service was really crap but the food was good. I was dining alone which was a bit depressing, when I went to order the lady was pretty moody and I ordered my meal for one and she just said ‘What Else?’ I said ‘that’s it’ and she just mumbled something like ‘ok’. I moved on to order my drink from the bar and a large party of middle age women got there just in front of me. All I wanted was one soft drink but I had to wait for several people to buy their rounds and hand out their Christmas cards.

I am reading ‘The Road to Nab End, An extraordinary Northern Childhood’ by William Woodruff. I usually like this kind of book because they are living memories of history. I love getting sunk in to the old fashioned community that I have not experienced since a very young age. One part of the last chapter mentioned Bill had an Aunty who was deaf and going blind, she was a spinster and none of her family would take her in. That’s going to be me! – maybe that is what has upset me?

I came home went to bed and cried for a bit. After I stopped I just laid there feeling numb so I thought I would post! I do not think I will go to work in the morning because I feel very low. I have set my alarm so I can see how I feel tomorrow but I feel like I deserve a duvet day! Hopefully sleep should fix things?

General update...

I am still chatting to Mr. Apparently Creepy Guy! I quite enjoy his MSN company in the evenings. I went to see a Pocket Opera with him on Satuday and I really enjoyed it. His flat mate came along too, he was an interesting guy.

I got my car back today after having the next batch of work completed. I actually drove it home without feeling sick about what would go wrong next.

I have not started preparing for Christmas yet. Usually by this time of year I am over excited and in a silly child like mood with the tree going up on the 1st of December. It must be the stress of my car and things but I don't feel the Christmas Spirit yet and I have not even started the Christmas shopping. Maybe I will start this weekend :o)!

I have both top and bottom of my brace fitted now, I feel a little shy about showing people for the first time but then I think about having nice straight teeth when I am done :o)!! For the first time ever I have started noticing peoples teeth and just how many people have oddities with them! I am quite proud of my braces now.

Not much else to report but I will post again soon!

Mr Apparently Creepy Guy....

(see comment on post below)

I have had a chat with Mr. Apparently Creepy Guy and made it clear we are just friends, It has un nerved me a bit that people in the real world read my blogg. It is not that bad but it the idea takes a bit of getting used to.

I think I will start telling my old friends (non cyber friends) about my blogg. It was never suppose to be a secret.

Mr Apparently Creepy guy has made me think more about my blogg, from now on I am going to be a lot more careful about what I post to ensure no one would be able to predict my movements and stuff. I have also removed the link from the Social Anxiety Website. it is a shame but I am feeling a bit exposed right now.

Paranoid or careful - it will make me feel happier?

oh well.....
bloggs go on.......

The Dating Game

I am lost on this one, I don't believe in any games! I spoke to a friend a while a go about dating because I was really nervous about this. My friend said there are no rules and you just need to get to know people and leave things to go on naturally.

This is what I have been doing. When I meet someone I like talking to or wo I find interesting then I talk to them or get to know them some more. This is the same for women and I assume this is how people make friends.

I have done this with probably 4 or 5 people this year. I find men more interesting and relate to them better. There was one man I met last week, initially I found him a bit creepy and in my face, as the evening went on I began to like him and found him very interesting. It also became apparent why he seemed creepy, it was because of some new things he was trying to combat the social anxiety. Anyway he sent me his msn address and I spent a few evenings last week chatting to him and playing games. I enjoyed passing the time of day with him.

After the womens meet which I have described someone said you can not chat with men as you will never get rid of them. So....

Stupid me told the guy I had been chatting too that I was not interested, why did I have to say that? I enjoyed his company and was getting to know him, I was still worried about whether I would like him when I met him again but WHO CARES!!!!

Another man I chatted to a while back, I knew he had a girl friend but I liked him all the same as I thought he was nice. I only replied to his emails and he was responding lots. I did not see anything wrong wth this but if this is true that you only chat with men you fancy I feel like a right slut, particulary as he has a girlfriend!!

I hate the dating game!!! I refuse to play it, I am just going out there to make lots of new friends!

A Women's Social Anxiety Meet

I went to (and helped organise) a Social Anxiety Meet for Women on Saturday. I found the meeting REALLY REALLY difficult. I knew most of the women I met and have spoken to them all on a one to one basis. I can say I like each of them and got on well with them on their own.

I found it very un nerving how quickly the group gelled together and bonded through small talk. I flashed back to memories of always beng excluded from groups at school. I found it really difficult and it felt like I was being excluded and talked about. I know it was not happening with these people as they all have SA and would never do anything like that to someone.

What really triggered the thoughts for me were taking about men and some of the men who go to the Social Anxiety Meets only go to meet women. I do not have a problem with this as my purpose to meets is similar although I really want to meet friends first.

I really do understand that some women would find the general meets intimidating if someone fancied them and they did not know how to handle it. I took offense when they over generalised and said'men' a lot.

I personally get on far better with men than women as a general rule. I find women bond by finding a common grudge whether that is about an individual or group of people where men tend to bond over sport or more general topics.

I blame a long history of delusional depression of thinking people hate me and are wispering about me all the time. I went from age 11 right up until last year with a paranoid view of life. I believed that people always hated me, I was an outsider and the but of all jokes. Having felt like I have been on the receiving end of this for many years I am very sensitive if people critisie others. This really upsets me.

I over generalise myself and take any form of critisim as hatred and implying thatsomeone is not as good as the people critising. I find this very offensive.

I found the womens meet extremely difficult and I am debating whether to go to another to work on my fear of them or just stay away and avoid groups of women forever.

In a small group I am comfortable with steering conversations away from other people but as groups get larger it is more and more difficult. I find men are not as likely to talk about others as women so maybe that is why I find mixed groups easier?

Anyone got any thoughts?

My Car...

My car is still really poorly,I have started looking at new cars and I am taking the train to work at the moment.

I really like getting the train as it makes me stick to a routine and stops me working late. I also get to go back to sleep for a while instead of spending over an hour stressed and stuck in traffic. The train is also cheaper so it is better all around.

Iam looking for a new car although I have had to spend about £500 just to stop it falling apart. It still needs brakes and tyres and all drying out. The headlights are also messing around now so I just want to get shot of it!

busy busy busy.....

lots to do and lots to post... can't keep up.....
I will do a nice long post on Sunday!

It never rains but it pours...

My car is sick, I have a little smart car which I bought new. I noticed that a brake light had gone so I bought a bulb, before I had time to fix it the head light went.... I bought another bulb and fitted them on Saturday.

While I was fixing those I noticed a side light had gone. I just wiggled that one and it came back on. But to change the front lights you have to take the front pannel of the car off, when I put it back together I did not tighten a small peice under the window so I lost that.

When I was cleaning the car on Saturday I noticed the carpet in the foot wells was wet. This happened last year and Mercedes charged me about £600 for new seals when it was only 3 months out of warentee.

Last night on the way home from work I drove into the back of someone on the motorway. I was in a traffic jam for over an hour and my attention started to wonder. Does not seem to be any damage to my car and I have protected no claims so no huge deal. I was only doing about 5 miles an hour.

My car is only three and a half years old and it feels like an old banger :o( !

I took my car in this morning, I rang the garage this afternoon and they said they needed to keep it for a few days, I'm on public transport for now and I am working from home on Friday as I am going to the orthadontist. I will probably have to get a taxi there though!

God knows how much all this is going to cost me. I asked today and they said they would ring me before they do any work I will have to pay for. I am hoping they will do most of it on good will as they only fixed the seals last year!

I'll keep my fingers crossed!

thursday...
My car is going to cost £1400 to fix (that's $2672)!!!

Happy Halloween

recognise me?

me and my cat!

Disapointed :o(

I thought I was getting the first half of my brace fitted at the orthadontist tomorrow but I got the day wrong and it was today. I missed the appointment! I was really disappointed and cried. I have been waiting twenty bloody years for this brace and was so looking forward to it. I was teased so much at school and not for prominant teeth but for not getting them fixed!! I have felt so much more confident since I made the decision to get the brace and I thought once people can see the brace I no longer need to be ashamed of my teeth!!

I hate my teeth and I have forever. I remember being about 8 years old and going to a disco with a friend, I did not realise it was for the village pageant(?) and for the Queen and Princesses at the fete. I refused point blank to have my photo taken and sat at the edge of the hall. When my friends Mum 'B' picked us up she told me not to worry and she would speak to my Mum. My Mum said there was nothing wrong with me and even told me that she had told B I did not want to be in the parade!!! In fact I did not even realise what the photos were for and the idea of strangers looking at my ugly face and laughing was enough to make me freak out.

Before that I used to refuse to smile with my mouth open since my front teeth first came through. My Mum would tell me I spoilt all the photos because I pulled a silly face!

It was all suppose to come to an end tomorrow and now I have to wait another month!! I have been so looking forward to it. It feels like I have been living in a dark dark place and have been counting down to escaping and now I have to wait another month.

My Mum apologised to me for not taking me as a child. B took me when I was about 13 but the dentist would not refer me without a parent or guardian present. You can get it done free o n the NHS until you are 16 but it is considered cosmetic for adults. It is only this last year that I have had the confidence and ability to even discuss my teeth.

My Mums apology was about the guilt she felt due to it costing me over £3k. It had nothing to do with the fact I have felt ugly, inferior and worthless for 20 years and as my parent and carer she did nothing to help me despite B having tried.

I was just smelly, awkward, moody and stubborn to her. She is staying with me at the moment but I had to leave my own flat to be alone to cry. My sister rang and my Mum told her what happened. My sister asked if I cryed and my Mum told her of course not, I was disappointed but did not cry!

My Mum has no idea who I am and does not know anything about who I am. I cannot forgive her; we have a relationship based on false beliefs. I would not have it out with my Mum now, as I do not feel there is anything to be gained. She will either deny it or be really sad. I do not think I could ever forgive her, I feel like she neglected me!!

I found out a little while ago that my eldest sister had a brace, which makes me even madder at my mother as she did not bother with me.

I could moan forever, but I will post again tomorrow instead!

I also went to the psychiatrist today, he is changing my anti-depressants/ anxiety medication as he feels the social anxiety is still impacting my quality of life as I have to pre plan phone calls and conversations. Also, when talking to people my instinct is to escape. I then sit on my own wishing I had some company :o(. He also said because of my history I will be on medication for some time yet.

I feel really low at the moment! I'm off to bed!! I have my Mum staying until Saturday, I have had enough already and she only came today!

feeling crap again

I have had a very busy hectic week at work, I have worked over 50 hours this week.

Had a strop at work this afternoon and cried. My boss stayed late with me until 8pm to get through the min that I had to do to take next week off

The cats fur has fallen out around the base of her tail. I am going away for a few days and need to get her to the cattery by 10am. I have not cleaned her litter tray for a few days so I am worried that it is my fault! I am going to try

At least I have next week off work, I am taking my nephew out on Monday and Tuesday! That should be fun. He will be three soon!

I am going to look up Gullivers Land before I go to sleep!

feeling better :-)

The someone else has been in touch, don't want to say too much! I feel a bit better about things though.

We have swapped email addresses now so I hope we will be friends. If anything else is suppose to happen it will! I must not think about it too much though!

I slept in as I could not settle last night. I'm going to get dressed and go to the gym now. This evening I am going to my sisters to watch a film in her home cinema. It has just been built :o)

The guy I met speed dating is still sending me text messages on my phone, I'd meet him as friends as he eemed nice enough but I don't fancy him.

HUGS

I need a hug, I just want to hold someone close to me and I want to be held.
I feel really lonely and miserable.

:-(

I feel low and miserable, whats the point to life?

Love

I want the someone else, I don't think I have ever felt like this before but I hardly know him. I'm trying not to think too much but I hope I see him soon.

I hardly know him so I have to stop thinking about him.

I never really loved my ex. in this fancying way. I was infatuated with him, I loved him yes and I still care for him but I was not in love with him. You can not love someone else until you love your self, I'm learning to love myself and it isopening up a whole world of new emotions.

I just want to talk to the someone else, even if nothing happens I feel like I could connect with him on a level I donot connect with other people.

My heart is aching but I MUST stop thinking!

He probably does not like me anyway but I wish I just knew, the more I think the more hurt I will be when I find out he does not like me.

Automatic Negative Thoughts

I have just spent the evening with my friend, she gave me some photos of her baby. I was really pleased she let me have them and I was making plans of where I was going to put them.

I put the photo on the seat next to me and drove home. On the way home I stopped at the fisn 'n' chip shop to get some food. I got in the car and placed these too on the seat next to me. I worried for an instant about the greece going through but decided they would be ok because the chips were well wrapped and a little greece would wipe off in worse case scenario.

When I got out of the car I found that the heat from the chips had melted some of the print on the photos. Ok it was sad but only effected one of the pictures, I still had all the others.

I was sitting on the floor eating my chips from the paper and I knocked my drink all over the photos. It has ruined the whole lot :o(. The ink has washed off :o( !!It has ruined the whole lot. To just rub salt in the wound the print from the photo is all over the rug I scrubbed on my hands and knees last week.

My automatic thoughts are just 'you never look after anything, you are so careless, x won't give you anymore, she should have given them to someone else'

I feel so miserable about it!! :o(

I'm trying to fight the automatic negative thoughts but I'm so tired I just want to cry.

Still no word from the someone else, and the other guy seems to have lost interest too. I am destined to be alone forever.

Maybe it will seem better in the morning!

Someone Else

There is someone else I like. I think they are probably quite a bit older than me but I don't care. I have met him a few times but just as we started to hit it off the anxiety got the better of me and I left before I realised what I was doing. The flight bit of the fight or flight syndrome got me :o(. I sent him a message yesterday and I hope he replies soon.

Can not really be more specific as it is possible he knows about my blogg. I hope he replies to my message soon.

Stood Up

My date did not show up, he said he did not think we had any firm plans. HaHaHa. WhenI sent him a text he said he was still at work. This was my biggest concern about dating him was that he was a workaholic.

Just after we arranged the date he was asking some questions about bra size and stuff, I did not answer him because I didn't want to give him the impression he would get something he was not going to get. I humoured him a little though, without giving anything away. I got fed up with it and said 'there is nothing likegetting to know someone mind'. Soon after that he went very quiet and said work was busy.

He asked if we could still meet another night after he stood me up. I put two and two together and reacted by saying 'No, I'm not a quick Sex/fix'. Oooops. I felt quite annoyed with myself afterwards and wish I had just left it at 'No, I don't think so'.

He said that's not what he wanted and asked if he could make it up to me and I said I would look forward to that. I am not going to contact him, I am going to leave the ball firmly in his court. The fact is I have only met him for 3 minutes and I am not that interested. Also when I met him he said he worked long hours and I thought that would get in the way of any kind of relationship, and guess what, it has before e even went on a first date!!

I have a date tonight

Speed Dating was quite successful for me this time, I did not have any dating matches but got 6 friendship matches. I did not actually tick anyone for dating.

Anyway to cut a long story short one of the people I ticked for friendship ticked me for dating (I think) and we are going out on a proper date tonight. We are meeting near here and going for a meal at Nandos and then going to the cinema.

I'm a bit nervous but I feel more confident than usuall because I don't really care if it goes anywhere or not.

I went to the drama group again last night, it was nice and I have started to join in singing in the chorus. I think I will enjoy it especially as the show gets closer. I'm still the quietest person there by a long long way but I am having fun. I'm no too interested in the Pub afterwards, the people are nice enough but I was just not enjoying it, I think I will just stick to rehearsals in future.

Football Practice

I went to football practice today for the first time ever. I layed a few times in the summer for an interdepartment team at work. I posted about it. It did me a lot of good at the time and I think it will begood for me again. If I get good enough I might get to play in the womens five-a-side team.

I really enjoyed it but it was really clear that I was the most unfit person their. It was great fun and I am definately going back next week.

I thinkthe exercise has really done me some good as I have been feeling very lethargic recentlt and when I got home today I got a lot of the jobs done that have built up over the past few weeks.

I am going Speed Dating tomorrow, last time I went Ihad a full panic attack and fainted!! I hope that does not happen again!!

Sunday Night

I am slowly getting back into the routine of things after my holiday. I had a very slow week at work, I just found it really difficult to motivate myself and get back into things. I did a sickie on Friday as I over slept and felt quite down as I had made a big mistake on Thursday and I felt like everyone would be pointing fingers :o(.

I went to the Orthadontist last Wednesday, I will have a brace for between 18 and 21 months. I get the bottom fitted the last week of October and the top in the first week of November. From what he was saying I think I am going to have to get up 10 minutes earlier just to clean my teeth. After 7 months I will also have to have elastics which will need taking out when I eat and changing every day. I thought wearing a brace was going to be a little uncomfortable but I did not realise it was going to be quite so time consumming!

I was suppose to go to a drama group last Friday but I did not go as I had not been to work. I was also hoping to go to the pub today to meet some people from SA - UK but that all fell through because of a lack of interest.

I had my sister and her husband to dinner last Tuesday, they brought their old TV over for me :o). I have set up the surround sound now and it is really good for DVD's. It is a proper size TV, a hundred times better than my old 12 inch portable. I was worried about cooking dinner for them as they are both vegetarian and my brother in law is a particulary fussy eater. Things went well though, I made vegetable lasagne with rocket and parmasan salad followed by home made chocalate mousse. They seemed to enjoy it :o).

I have spent over £100 this weekend and that does not include my usuall food shopping and petrol. I spent £50 on clothes and shoes in the NEXT sale as well as buying a new mobile phone and sending my sister some flowers to say thanks for the TV. The Orthodontist will cost me £3050 and I spent nearly £1000 going to Dubai. I need to seriously cutback on my spending. My instant access savings accunt will be empty by the time I have paid the deposit for my teeth. It will not fill up again either as the monthly payments for my teeth will come out of the money I used to save each month.

I am taking another week off work towards the end of October. I am going to go and spend a few days with my nephew as I have never taken him out on his own before. ( He will be three in November and is adorable) I will also spend some time with my Mum and she will then come back with me for a few days.

Anyway it is 10:40pm and I have work tomorrow. I was so shattered before I went on holiday, I was not much better last week and took a sickie on Friday so I need to have a good productive week this week!

Wish me luck!!!

Stephen Fry's Documentary

I had a great holday, it was really nice, I sat by the pool and got waited on the whole time. I had a few massages, did lots of swimming and went on a dessert safari.



Did anyone watch Stephen Fry's documentary on bipolar last week. There are clips on the bbc website and case studies. My family have been watching it. May be it will help them talk about it and stop my Mum denying there is anything wrong with me?

I have not really come across any discrimination at work or with my friends; my family have been the only ones that seem to have difficulty talking about it. Hopefully the documentaries will help them.

Here is the link if anyone wants to take a look;
http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/tv_and_radio/secretlife_documentary.shtml

After watching the second half of the documentary with my sister and her husband tonight; I asked if they noticed a change in me. They both said I seem more together and happier than I was before being diagnosed!!!

Holiday

I am going to Dubai on holiday for 1 week tomorrow. I can not wait I am so tired and have been working really hard recently. I just intend to sit by the pool and relax!!

Scared of Change

Today I suddenly understood why so many people don't like change. My boss told me a colleague was returning from maternity leave in November. Things have been going so well since she left, I have taken on loads more responsibility and I now love my job. When I was working with her I felt very stiffled and held back career wise as I had to do as she asked. I now have my own studies and have built good relationships with our customers and I am really enjoying work.

I felt really worried after he told me and my mind went quite blank. I stared at the screen for about 20 minutes, the idea of the change really worried me and frightened me. In the past I have always always been excited by change and looked at things as a bit of an adventure. I never really understood peoples fear of change. I think you have to be happy with what you have to fear change! I think this is one reason why I have never connected with people in the past.

On the way home from work I kind of realised I have never been this happy before. Although a part of me hates being on my own so much I feel I have more to loose now than I have ever had in the past.

I did not feel sorry for myself or sad but I felt really tired like I was about to fall asleep and I had no energy!! I just felt like I wanted to go to sleep.

You Are 64% Bipolar

You're more than moody - you're a bit unstable. If your mood swings are effecting your life, you may need to seek help.

Are You Bipolar?

I am STRESSED but ok!

It has been a while since I last posted. Mainly I have been doing quite well. I am quite stressed as I have too much work to do. I am getting a lot of support though and my boss has taken some tasks away from me and given them to others.

I have been to a number of Social Anxiety meets and even arranged one of them myself :o). This has led to me being invited to a BBQ on Sunday. I think I will go :o)

I had a really bad day last week, I was stressed from work and cried all the way home. My thoughts started to work overtime. I was starting to get silly negative thoughts that were not doing me any good. I tried to go and see my friend but she did not answer the door. That started my mind going on more silly thoughts.

As I had not slept well for a few days I went to the GP for an emergency appointment and asked for a sleeping tablet. He would not give me one so I kind of got a bit angry with him and said I hate GP's. I told him how I wanted proper help in the form of therapy for years and the GP's kept fogging me off with tablets until everything got so bad I stopped taking them and ended up in hospital. Now I want a tablet he would not give me one. I sat in the surgery for about 30minutes crying and in the end he said he would give me a valium. He told me I had to sort out my job and keep routine going. I took this really badly as I try so hard to stay on top of things. I told him I wanted something non addictive and he said it was valium or nothing!! I stormed out and did a great wheel spin out of the car park :o)

I went home, took my emergency valium I have had in the cupboard for over a year, my seroqol and sertraline and then washed it all down with a healthy dose of whiskey. I rang my friend and she came around that night and took me to the pub for dinner.

I slept very well that night and the next day I felt a lot better. Work is still really stressful and today was worse!! I have spoken to my boss though and he is helping. I am sticking to 8 hour days and if I do not sleep well or start having difficulty turning off in the evenings I am going to call in sick the next day.

My friends are comming to dinner tonight so I best start cooking!! :o)

Scared of getting sick

I have had another good day at work and I was absolutely buzzing by the time I came home. It was quite an effort for me to slow my mind and relax. I think I will now be able to sleep. I so want to let go and just do my best at work and see how far I can go! I am scared of getting sick again!

Frightened of doing well...

I am really confused and excited all at the same time! Work has been quite hard but good recently. I identified a number of potential errors and did my best to correct them. It was a stretch for me to do this but after the initial anxieties of calling people I did enjoy it.

What frightened me is my boss asked me to complete an eResume to capture my skills so he can help find tasks for me to do that will increase my experiance. He said that I am really good at what I do and have the ability to drive people to decisions or make them understand the consequences of not making decisions. My supervisor has always said I am good at what I do but I have always just brushed it off.

I do not know how I feel about putting my skills online for everyone at work to see but I do need new challenges all the time to keep my mind busy, I'd also like a few more good pay rises so I can buy some where nice to live.

I have this dream of owning a little sports car, living in a luxury apartment with balcony (or small house with garden) and flying all over europe for work. The problem is that at the moment I feel safe in my job and I am really bad at failing publicly. It might all go wrong but if I never take any risks my dreams will not have a hope of becoming reality!

I am starting to dare myself to believe that I might be good at what I do.

lots and lots happening......

I went to see the psychologist today, that went well! He has given me some ideas to try and make conversation with people.

I saw the psychiatrist last week and we discussed a possible seasonal effect on my mood. He reckon I tend to be high in May/ June and low in July/ August. It fits!

I have just booked a weeks holiday in Dubai with a friend, I go in September.

Work is getting quite stressful

I have made some new friends through meets organised through Social Anxiety UK, I am organising further meets myself.

I have been invited to go camping in the peak district and go hiking with my new friends. Even if I can not get the time off work it feels really good to have been invited.

I ran 5k (3 and a bit miles) on the treadmill on Sunday, it took me 41 minutes. My sister and I are going to enter a run, I have looked at times on the running club website and the slowest people do it in about 30 - 35 minutes; I think this is achievable!

I have been invited to go and stay with my cousin for a weekend after she has moved at the end of this month.

Baby Livia and her parents are coming around for dinner one day next week.

Life is ok but loads of stress at the moment!!

Me and God

God and I have our own special relationship. I have never been christened as my Mum wanted to get me and my older sister christened at the same time. My sister was four and the vicar said she was too old. Therefore my Mum did not have either of us Christened. We went to Sunday school for a bit but I always felt different as I knew I did not 'belong' to the church.

I did learn the lords prayer at school and I say it regulary knowing that is what Jesus taught us to say. He knows why you are praying and what you want to say! The lords prayer is the only prayer you need.

Sometimes my prayers are answered. They are answered on matters not yet decided but I never ask for things I know he will not be able to change.

As for the Church (Catholic) they put too much emphasis on the church and not enough on God. I used to go with my ex and although I felt safe there and loved inside and no longer alone I object strongly about the part in mass where they say something about being faithful to the cathlic church. Christians are Christians and that is all there is to it!

When I was very low a few years ago i just went and sat in a cathedral, I lit a candle and prayed I would find the strength to sort my life out. That prayer is being answered every day now. God helped my partner find the strength to end our dead relationship after he knew I was not strong enough to do this myself. He knew things would get bad but gave me just enough strength for each day. I am still here and I have never been so happy with life.

Church is not for me, the bible is not for me (too old and no historic value). I am not interested in sharing my religous thoughts with others in a church meeting of any description.

My relationship with God is very private and God teaches me what I need to know. I have no interest in a Church that says I will not be able to have my ashes buried with my families as they are on blessed ground and I have not been christened.

To be confirmed I'd need to learn the crap in the bible, that was not written by God that was written by men and I believe poorly as God would not have put in so much that can be easily misinterpreted. That is not the type of beliefs I want to share or be any part of.

When I feel lost I read books, sometimes religous ones, sometimes self help books and sometimes little books full off feel good quotes. The quotes that seem nice, make me feel good and make sense logically are the way God guides me. He helps me choose these.

Maybe when I am stronger and more confident I will do some charity work for the Sally Army. I do not think I would be interested in their uniform or meetings though, but I would be willing to find out more. I used to go to the Sally Army Youth Club and a lot of my friends were proper members. It was a very friendly and community based atmosphere. Very caring. I'd like to be a part of that - not sure about the no drinking bit - god gives me that for ocasional relief!

I have never put how I feel about God into words before, there is nothing here I have not thought about before ut seeing it written down is kind of revealing.

I hope no one thinks I am weird!

Making Changes

Today has been a bit better, I had a good productive day at work. Everyone was very impressed with my tidy desk :o). I went through my old weight watchers book to get some meal ideas as I have not been eating well. I also went shopping to get some healthy food. I had a cod fillet, sweet corn and boiled new potatoes for dinner. It is probably the first square meal I have had in two weeks and I really enjoyed it.

I am going to the psychiatrists on Tuesday, I am going to discuss having some more CBT sessions. I have been taken omega 3 fish oil tablets yesterday and today. Maybe they will give me a boost?

I need to get an organiser thing with days of the week on for my tablets. Tonight I can not remeber if I took them earlier or not. I have taken them again as I know I am not on maximum doses. If I have taken too much I will just be really drowsy.

I feel like I have lost my grip a bit over the past few weeks. I am going to try sorting myself out AGAIN!!! This cycle of loosing my grip, getting very low, making changes, things start picking up, very content, relax a bit, loose my grip, get very low.....

This is all very tiresome (BIG YAWN!!!)

A bad morning

I got up this morning feeling as I have done every morning recently, I got dressed, not exactly in my best clothes but wore a skirt to keep cool and a green top. As I looked in the full length mirror on the way out I saw some woman looking back who dressed like they were 50 and has no fashion sense.

I left the house anyway and headed off for work. The automatic negative thoughts got the better of me and by the time I got to work I felt like a complete total missfit. I kept going, I got out the car to walk to the office but I felt like the people walking behind me were making judgements and sniggering. Wen I walked up the stairs someone held the door open for me, they seemed tolook me up and down and laught too. I passed two other people on the way to my desk and the same happened.

I sat at my desk shaking and sweating for about 5 minutes, it felt like everyone was staring at me. I managed to turn the computer on but I could not cope with sitting there. When I wanted to go and get a drink but I could not face standing up.

I sent an instant message to my boss saying I was not feeling well and I needed to take the morning off. That was a big mistake, I may as well said I am going to gohome and cut my wriats. I should have said I had to take the cat to the vet or something. He called me into his office and started questioning me. He said I could go home as long as I went down to occupational health first. The thought of walking through site with everyone starring was enough to make me cry so I decided I would stay at work. I tried this for a few minutes but think my boss staring at me too.

I emailed occupational health and told them I was having a bad day and needed to take a few hours off. Could I go now and go to see her this afteroon. She would not let me and said I had to go and see her there and then. I sat in her office and had to face a detailed third degree on my medication, the support I have been getting (or lack of it) how work was, and how much holiday I had taken. Eventually after sweating buckets and shaking I was allowed to come home and get changed.

This would have all been nice if I thought any of them were doing it because they cared about me and wanted to make sure I was ok. I think they aredoing it cos i is their job and they have to! None of them cared last year when I needed the help!

On the radio on the way home they were talking about everyones sense of fashion going out of the window and people just wear as fewer clothes as possible. This is the type of thing that sent me psychotic last time. I'm a bit scared incase I was hearing things. Unless there is a God after all and he is making sure I hear what I need to hear! Either way I laughed at the time but now I am a bit scared.

Anyway I have got changed and put on my favourite jeans (not suppose to wear jeans to work but hey that's the least of my problems today.) I made my consultation appointment at the Orthadontist today. It is on the 6 September! If I work on my appearance I think I will feel a bit more confident.

Anyway, I best get back to work! At least it will stop the shitty thoughts!

I went into Richmond (south west London) yesterday andmet some friends from the Social Anxiety UK discussion board. I had a really nice time and I am lokingforward to going again! We are arranging something for two weeks time! Meeting other people with SA really helps my confidence, it stops me feeling like such a freak seeing all these normal people who are nice to talk to. I don't think I have ever met such a nice understanding group of people.

A friend I have known since my student days came to visit today, we wenttosee baby Livia (my honarary neice) she is nearly 6 weeks old already!! Afterwards the two of us went to the pub and had a really good chat. We talked about men and having babies and stuff. I told her I have seen my ex a few times recently, I had not told ny of my other friends this incase they disapproved! She was really understanding about me still thinking of him as a friend and caring about him although I would not want us to get back together. I no longer fancy him and we want different things from life.

She said how well she thought I was doing. I told her that I was going to get my teeth straightened. She is one of the first people I have told. She did ask why I did not get it done as a kid and I could comfortably tell her my Mum would not take me to the dentist. I tried asking my Mum to take me once but she would not. It was nice to talk about it though and my friend started to understand why I am not close to my family. She thought it was a great idea and even agreed that there was no rush to buy a house if I wanted to spend the money getting my teeth fixed.

We spoke a bit about when I was ill, it was really nice to talk to someone about it, she is the first person who has not assumed that the break up with my ex caused all my problems and believed I was not right before all that happened.

Apparently the day I rang my boss and told him I was going to kill myself I also rang her and sent her into a panic. She said if it had not been for the London bombings she would have come straight round. She alsosaid it was good that I called my boss as he called emergency services that led to me getting some help. She does not think she would have been able to get me the help I needed. It was really good talking to her, I feel like I got a lot off my chest which was nice. We have also made further plans about going to New York is September :o)

I have had a really good weekend!! :o)

I have my Mum on msn saying she wants to set up a second computer for stupid reasons such as Dad has not installed word, will blame her if it goes wrong and all the rest of it. I wish my parents showed some love towards each other. It makes me really sad when they pick fault with each other. I also get very sad that I will never be close to my Mum and will never know why she refused to take me to the dentist or cared enough to ask why I sat in my room and never came out every evening after school for five years. She is 70 now and I think it is better for her to finish her years happy and content believing she is a good mother and my problems are all down to my ex leaving me. She still argues with the psychiatrists diagnosis :o(. My relationship with my Mum makes me very sad. I sometimes think the reason I can not get close to others is because I never bonded with my Mum. I do love her but we have no mutual understanding or respect :o(

Anyway bedtime for me, I will post again soon!

My Mum has just signed off MSN saying goodnight sweet heart, love you lots. This makes me fell riddled with guilt about the way I feel about her :o(. I love her but only because she is my Mum not for who she is. I will never express my love for her openly and never forgive her for the rose coloured spectacles she wears when she looks at me. I will never forgive her for leaving me to cry when I needed her or not noticing how much I was suffering and making me feel guilty for taking medication. Even when I push her away I am not free of the guilt she imposes on me. I feel I am either exagerating it and being unfair, pushing her away on purpose but I have tried talking to her but she only hears what she wants to hear and can not see past her tinted specs! When I look at the situation I have the problem relating to others not her! I don't think I will ever be free of these feelings. I wish I could get angry and tell her how I feel. There is no good outcome from this though, she will either continue to select what she wants to hear or feel guilty about things in the past that can not be changed. From the attempts I have made in the past I think she will go for the fist option. There is nothing to be gained by trying to talk to her.

GOOD NIGHT!!

Fed Up!

I feel really low and fed up, I dn't know why, I amjust hot sticky and fed up of feeling so alone. I am going to bed to sleep it off. I just feel like I am always going to be lonely and fed up!!

The Colour Test

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! "Needs release from stress. Longs for peace, tranqu..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

I went to the gym today and did the mile in 10mins 45 seconds! 10 seconds off my best!

A Horrible Experiance

I do not usually dream but last night I had a horrible experiane. The bad experiance was more when I woke up than the dream it self. Let me explain...

I was having a good dream, it was nothing special but it was comfortable. It was a bit like the film 'Matrix' in the sense that there was a virtual world. I had to go to this training facility to determine my destiny in life. The best outcome was you lived in the virtual world as a super hero and the worse was you died in the cyber world and had to return home to live with my parents.

Early on the dream I felt like I was waking up, I dreamt that I turned to my ex and said 'I don't want to wake up as I am having a really good dream'. I told him it was like one I had before. In the dream he said he remembered when I thought I had this dream before and it was not a dream it was a film on DVD. I turned over to finish watching the film/dream.

Anyway back to the dream....
A few people I already knew had already got their destinies, they all ended up as Super Heros almost by accident. They just fell into the cyber world at the right time. I was feeling left out as I was just a no one in the virtual world. I was given another chance though, I had this mission to follow a bad guy but he must not see me. I was advised to read the rules before I started. So I sat down and read them. I was told the badie would not leave the room until I was ready to start.

The dream jumped again and I was following a challenge and I had to look for a little ticket on the ground which had destinies marked on them. One said parachute into to the virtual world and make a life for yourself, it felt like it would be a good life. I wanted more though, I wanted to be a super hero like my friends. There were then no tickets left and was searching desperately but people were chasing me.

I was then in some kind of hospital, I was very weak and a baby again. I had to be breast fed. I pushed my mother away and I was then in two roles, I had to feed myself. I was on the brink of dying in the virtual world but I fed myself and made myself strong again. If I died in the virtual world I would have to return home to my parents.

As I grew stronger I was then given another chance with the game I had been reading the instructions for. I had to find the entrance to the game though. I could not find it. My sister was helping me look but she wondered off and left me alone again.

I was then back in the hospital and I was told I had to hand over this leather case to be cleaned. It had three DVD's in. Two were removed easiliy but the last one would not come out. The nurses forced it and then I followed my mother along the corridor, she had the DVD and was going to clean it.

After the DVD had been removed from the pouch I felt like I had a more balanced view of life.

Someone damned that film I was watching, they said the place I was in was real and I did have to find my own destiny however with the DVD it would be very dangerous to stop watching the DVD now and unfortunately I would have to put it back in. I though I had been stupid and everyone was telling me I should never have started watching the film. I did not choose to start watching it though and I had no choice or warning. I felt everyone was looking down their nose at me though.

I woke up shortly after that, I had been sleeping very deeply and had not stirred. I was wet with sweat and had a stiff neck.

As I lie in bed getting comfortable again, I remembered I had not taken my tablets, I put the vivid dream down to this and the fact I had couple of glasses of wine. I thought about getting up to take them but decided not to as I was so shattered.

I started going back to sleep again but I woke up with a shock. What if I fell asleep and someone put the DVD back in. Maybe I would not let them take it out next time and I would be trapped in that world of looking to be a super hero, it would make me ill again. But I might no be able to take that CD out again!!

If I could not take it out I may never wake up again from that hell of searching or that hell of having to feed myself and make myself better. I woke up with a shock again and sat up quickly. I calmed myself down and told myself it was silly. But everytime my eyes started to close that fight or flight response kept kicking in. I was frightened to go to sleep incase I could not take the DVD out again, I would not beable to wake up if I did not take it out. If this was thes case I might go into a comma and never wake up! I then thought if I took the tablets and I have been drinking it may make me fall into that deep sleep / coma and I would never wake up!! I could not win!!

I got up in the end and took the tablets, I must have fallen asleep instantly after that. I slept through until morning.

I do not know whether it was a security in the tablets that made me fall asleep or the chemicals themselves. My psychiatrist said I can come off them after 2 years but I am even more scared about that now!!

It might be worth adding that when I was psychotic last year I did not sleep for over a week because I really believed that if I fell asleep I would die!!

Sport Relief Mile!!

I did it this morning in a realy good time of 10mins and 55 seconds. My pervious best time on the treadmill, which is easier was 12 minutes 27 seconds. I am really really pleased with myself!!

Every thing going well....

Poppy is settling in well, I was a little worried about her at first as she did not eat, drink, poo or wee for over 24 hours. She seems reasonably happy now and she has even ate all her dinner tonight.

I played football at lunch time, I nearly scored but my brain did not tel my feet what to do quickly enough and I lost the ball. My defence was ok again but I got hit in the face quite hard with the ball. It blocked a goal though! My department is through to the play off for the semi finals. Tomorrow is the play off and if we get through we will be playing a second game straight after. For the first game I will be a sub, and going on to give the others a break to get water etc. For the second game we will be a player down so I will have to stay on the pitch for the whole game. I am really enjoying it though :o). I spoke to the girl who arranges the training as I have not yet been. She said it keeps getting cancelled because everyone is on holiday but we should get a practice in soon.

My training for the sport relief mile is going well. Last Friday I did the mile in 12mins and 30secs on the treadmill. I bought a stop watch at the weekend and I have been running what I think is an approximate mile in the park every day after work as it is all up and down and a lot harder.

My time have been as follows;

Monday 14:18
Tuesday 13:54
Wednesday 13:11

If I manage to do the mile in less than 13 minutes I will be really pleased with myself, less than 12:30 I will be well chuffed. Under 13:30 I would be satisfied but over 14 mins I would be disapointed. I'll update this post with my time for tomorrow, I have not decided whether I will run or rest on friday but it will definately be lots of carbohydrates for dinner on Friday. I have also lost a couple of pounds this week which is a nice bonus!!! :o)

My Cat Poppy

I have been feeling a bit lonely recently but today, My ex bought my cat around to live, I asked if I could have her back. He has had her since we split up but today I got her back to live with me.

I am not really suppose to have pets in my flat as Iam renting but I don't care as I have someone (even if they are feline) to talk to, play with and cuddle. She has only been here a few hours but she is starting to make her self at home already and she has been purring and having a good fuss too.

I am trying to work out if she remembers me, I moved out 15 months ago but she is still responding to me calling her and is quite happy with me picking her up

The Knives

Tomorrow is the first anniversary of the worse day of my life. No one outside the cyber world really knows what happened and how I felt that day. The 7 July 2005 was not only the day of the London bombings for me it was the day my anxiety crossed a line and I was no longer in control.

The live news coverage of the bombings gave me a few hours relief from the hell that was going on inside my head. I intended to tell people who read this about what happened to me that day but as I have started to type I am finding I do not want to remember.

What bought my thoughts back was slicing a tomato with a very sharp knife my Mum bought me for Christmas. I was looking for a knife that day as I wanted to cut my wrists, I did not have one sharp enough. As I got better I found I do not like having too many tablets in the house as I decided on that once I could not find a knife. When I was given the knives all I could think about was how easy it would be to slice flesh with them. The images come to my head each time I use them. The other day while washing one of them I got a very shallow cut on my thumb. The knives are a weapon I could use on myself if I ever get that low again.

I really want to get rid of them, as I know on that day, had I found one I would have used it to end my life. I did not want to wake up again, I swore in previous depressions I would not risk my life on a cry for help, I would have done it properly! I am frightened of getting that low again. I only buy small packets of headache tablets for this reason and I do not want a set of giant kitchen knives in my flat!!!

My mother would not have bought them for me had she known, she says they frighten her, if only she knew what they did to me! She spent a lot of money on this gift so what would I say to her next time she comes to stay and takes over my kitchen?

Sport Relief Mile

I am going to run the Sport Relief Mile on the 15 July. I need to work on my fitness for the footie and this will give me something to aim for.

If anyone is interested in Sponsoring me (or just discovering my true identity (aaggghhhh!!!) the please visit the link below.

>> link removed to protect identity <<

Wish me luck!!!

An update of the targets I set myself

1. Get a tattoo
I have put some more thought into this, I am thinking of a daisy, a daffodil or other flower (as long as it is not a rose that is too common) It will be 3 to 5 cm and on the back of my left shoulder. I need to visit some tatoo shops and find the right design next :o)

2. Buy my own flat/house with a garden and a gas cooker
I have got some advice from banks and stuff about how much I can borrow, the problem is I am going off the idea as I want tospend some money on getting my teeth fixed.

3. Go to New York
Hopefully in September?

4. Increase my social life
I have started this already, I am going to Salsa, I am going to start football training and I met some girls at a Social Anxiety meeting last weekend! I am meeting them again in a few weeks time.


New goals before I am 30.

5. Get my teeth straightened
- I went to the dentist last week for a check up to make sure my teeth and gums are strong enough. The dentist said he would be happy to make the referral to an othadontist and I am waiting to hear.

6. Train with the womens 5-a-side football team (soccer for you US folks :o))
- I'd would love to play in a real match but some of that is down to fate!

7. Start hosting dinner parties for my friends and family.
I am not quite ready for this as I want everything to be perfect. I am experimenting with my cooking in preperation.

8. Be able to say that Social Anxiety is no longer controlling what I do.
I am making really good progress with this and believe I willget there one day!!!

Interdepartmental Football Game

I played a game of interdepartmental football at lunch time today. I was really really anxious as I have never really kicked a ball before and I am not exactly fit.

I arrived at the side of the pitch alone as all the men were still getting changed. I sat down and started watching the game that was on before ours.

When the rest of them team came over the automatic negative thoughts started going - 'Why am I here, I am going to mess things up for them, they don't want me to play, I am not apart of their team, they think I am just a nuisance cos they will have to let me play as I am here etc etc etc

Anyway I shrunk, I slouched, and avoided eye contact and did not speak. The effect was they all went off and had a kick around without inviting me. I thought about going to join in but they were kicking the ball really hard and I just convinced myself it was true that I am crap (fact) and they are all really good (fact) and I was going to let the team down (illusion from negative thoughts), they really don't want me (illusion from negative thought)

Anyway as nervous as I was and as hunched up as I was when they came back over I stood up. At first I did not change my posture but just stood rather than sat. A small step I felt I could do. Someone then talked to me and said 'are you ready', I told the truth 'Not really I am worried about doing the wrong thing' everyone then turned to me and started giving me tips. I had not joined in but I was not being ignored. I was told not to touch the ball with my hands several times but was allowed to kick it!

When the other match finished they moved to the pitch to practice. I hung back as I did not feel included but rather than staying out the way and invisible I followed then over (keeping my distance of course ) but just watching them. Sure this felt a little uncomfortable but when they started kicking the ball to me, and even did it gently for me, I was a bit panicky, but I passed the ball back, not very straight but it didn't matter, everyone was really nice.

I am not very fit so I only played 5mins in each half but I touched the ball twice, the first intercepted it and gained possession for the team and the second time I tackled the person I was marking. I also got in the way of the person I was marking loads and prevented goals. I really enjoyed it.

The men said I was OK which I took as a compliment from them and in the changing room the other women said I had a really good touch to the ball and said I should start practising with the womens team on a Tuesday night. This is from people I had only just met on the pitch, they had know idea how anxious I was, This is something I have wanted to do for ages but was just too anxious that I would be crap and just annoy everyone.

So in short I went from invisible and thinking everyone hated me to there being a possibility of playing every tuesday night, Something I have envyed my work colleagues doing each week. When they go off I am always so jealous I could not join in!! This is still going to be hard but if the next match goes ok I might ask someone a bit more about what they do on Tuesdays.

The hardest part was standing up when all those negative thoughts were going through my head. The more these things happen the more I know you just have to be brave and take the first step. I always find the first step the hardest.

We lost 6 nil!

My new neice

I met my new neice, she is gorgeus, she was asleep for the whole hour and a half I was there but I watched her the whole time and she made little sounds and every 10 minutes or so she kicked her legs. She is beautiful.

It sounds like her Mum went through a really rough time with the c section and stuff, at least she is out of hospital now though and everyone is ok!

I have had a really busy day at work, I am taking next week as holiday. I have planned to spend the week at the seaside. I had so much to do before I could leave work and I have left a long list of high priority stuff for my boss and my colleague to do.

I had my mid year review this morning. The work I have done has been fine and my boss is really pleased with how much I have developed. I feel like I have always been capable but the anxiety held me back and prevented me getting any opportunities to show people I could do the job. Therefore I do not think of this as a big achievement. Yes I am happier and thrilled to be doing the type of job I went to university to do but all the over playing things just makes me remember how crapthings have been in the past. He seriously over did the ego massaging though. He has been very sweet in the support he has given me but I was really uncomfortable for the whole hour and he really dragged things out. He was doing it because he was trying so hard to make it a positive experiance for me.

I have a busy weekend this week, I have a packed agenda which should do me some good. stop me feeling sorry fo myself. I go away on Monday.

I feel low and sick and shit!!!

I have had a few crap days where I have been lost in unrealistic fantsies. I even pretended the person was with me to talk to, I kept telling myself to stop but I felt loved and happy, emotionally fullfilled. I convinced myself that someone loved me and wanted to spend the rest of their life with me and have children, I convinced myself they loved me. What a fuckin idiot! What goes up must come down! Crashing down!

I now feel numb, stupid and sick because I have been comfort eating and have ate far to much junk. As if I am not fat enough already! Why is life so shit!!! Why didn't I stop myself!

I don't think I will ever meet a nice man who understands me and who is attractive and has half a brain cell between their ears, not ancient and not immature!

AGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!! I hate myself and I feel SHIT!!!! Why is life so crap?

PS. Have not met my new neice yet, her Mummy is still feeling very rough! Hopefully tomorrow butI think I might just hold her and cry and cry right now!

I am an honarary Aunty

Yesterday morning a beautiful little girl called Livia was born by c section at 7.30 am, she weighed 7lb 9oz. Livia is doing very well but mother very uncomfortable. If my friend is feeling better tomorrow I will meet Livia tomorrow evening :o). I have a video clip of her just a few hours old and she is adorable.

I have just had a good cry as I want to be loved and I want a baby.

Still no baby news...

My friend has had her waters broken and been fed a load of hormones last night. Lunch time today there was still nothing happening! I am waiting for the phone to ring!

A nice weekend

I have had a really nice weekend, I have been on my own for most of it but I am starting to appreciate time to myself and this weekend I decided to just do what I would do if I had the perfect company with someone who likes doing exactly what I do. I have to break the socialisolation I have found myself in some how and I have decided getting out of the flat is a good start. Life is not worth living without the company of others.

Yesterday I went to a few banks/ building societies to see how much I could borrow to buy a house. I can borrow more than I thought I could, I have searched a few websites but places with gardens are very limited in Reading with my budget. I do seem to have a choice flats /apartments that are not studio apartments though!

I also went to a pub on my own to watch an the opening England Game (Come on England!!!) Yesterday I also met my best friend at the pub, she had experianced contractions all Friday Night but they stopped again (She is now 42 weeks pregnant). She went in to hospital tonight to be induced, I am waiting to hear something!!

Today I went to the park near my house, I intended to just sit and read but the insects got on my nerves. I went and sat in the pub garden (the pub is in the middle of the park) I sat there had a glass of wine and started Reading Angels and Demons by Dan Brown. I even ordered myself some food! I have managed to get a little sun burnt on the back of my neck but I can live with that.

I went Salsa dancing tonight, it was only my second time. I really enjoyed it. I am a little over weight though and I have suddenly become motivated to join weight watchers again!

I am yawning, I must get to bed or I will never wake up in the morning for work. I have become addicted to the Social Anxiety UK discusion board. If you are visit my blogg from that site please leave me a comment and say hello!

Blogging is back :o)

Blogging is finally back, I have really missed it!

I have had quite a good week, I have worked sensible hours and got a lot done, I have also managed to stick to a routine. I have even been to yoga twice this week and tonight I even went shopping and cooked proper healthy(ish) meal. I had chicken Fajita's!

The weather here has been lovely with warm sun and long light evenings. It does not get dark until about 10pm this time of year. If the weather lasts over the weekend I intend to go to the park and read my book.

I am going to post some thoughts I wrote while I was quite sick last year, I was panicking for days before my best friend realised how sick I was and took me to my parents. I wrote several notebooks in the space of three days it was a release for my panic. Before I bought the notebooks I was typing and I found the documents earlier this week. I have not shared them with anyone before.

A Saturday in July 2005

Anxiety was at it's worse and this was written a little while before I became psychotic and was hospitalised. Not sure how long before as my memory is quite patchy during this period.

This was written 2 days after I called my boss and told him I was going to kill myself. He called the emergency Services.

I have edited only to remove peoples names ( just incase anyone I know ever finds this site)


I don’t know what the date is, and I cannot think long enough to work it out or even think where to find out. I am so mixed up and confused. I do not know whether this is because I have a mental illness or whether I have just worked myself up into a state over nothing. Either way my head is screwed up or I need some serious help.

A few days ago I wanted to take my own life. I think I would have done if I could find razor blades (I noticed 50p at the chemist) enough drugs. Paracetamol 50p-60p from work coffee shop, sainsburys on the way home, BP garage opposite sainsburys, Texaco by Traffic lights and co-op just up the road. The route home from work is planned I could do it!!!

Why didn’t I? A part of me still thinks it might have been better but there is something inside me that’s says somewhere someone might be able to help me. I was desperate I got up in the morning and just cried and cried and cried. I could no longer move or do anything. I could feel myself rocking and images of hospitals all washed out and white and extremely scary came into my head. That just made me panic more. But then I would realise and stop myself. But then I would say hang on I can stop I cannot be ill. I have a choice? Then I would find myself rocking somewhere else. It was really strange, I could stop but then again there was something quite soothing in the rocking. Did I really want to stop? But then again that image of the hospital would come back.

My best friend came around so I had to stop typing earlier but she has gone now, we had a good afternoon. I think I have scared her and her husband wanted me to go and stay with them but I need to sort myself out. I guess that is how single life is? My friend helped me tidy up and the Social Worker came around!!

The session with social worker was really awful. I think I might eventually get some help but I might have used a bit of emotional blackmail. I was really down on the GP’s and I know they are just over worked, I am still wondering why I have a social worker and not a mental health professional but I guess he might be able to get me some help. He sounded hopeful. I think I may have offended him in discussing going privately. Why have I been referred to a CRISIS support team, the doctor said reactive depression but I want to know why it keeps coming back and longer term prevention. I really don’t know but I want to discuss the long term issues not the immediate CRISIS. I don’t even miss my ex anymore, I am sure I have gone whole days without thinking about him!! The last thing I want is all that dragged up again.

I spoke to the social worker about Bipolar Disorder, I am so scared, I have asked to see a psychiatrist. He said he would contact me on Monday and try to get me in asap. He did try to talk me out of it first. I felt my feelings were dismissed and he was just telling me to pull my socks up. I’m glad my friend was there, she thinks he was just trying to calm me down and if I am going to trust him my friend’s story makes more sense. I feel so vulnerable, was he taking the piss or calming me down? The latter is probably more likely but without my friend there how would I have known that, how could I have known.

My friend and I have sent away for details about joining a voluntary national trust conservation group. There were loads of photos on the website that looked like they had a good social life :o). My friend needs to get out more and I need to meet new people. I don’t think I want a long term relationship but if I was to meet someone nice I would not complain. It is kind of nice typing rather than sleeping it slows my mind down a bit. I have to find they keys :o). I reckon I have an anxiety disorder now rather than bipolar.

I could not learn to swim at school I kept sinking and I reckon it was because I was so tense, now I love floating, as it is so relaxing. I must take my swimsuit tomorrow when I go to the gym. I am not sure I am even depressed right now, I don’t want to take my medication as the idiot that came with the social worker said it was quite a high dose. I would if I thought I was depressed. My friend is really concerned I am not taking it. I would calm her down if I took it but then again I don’t feel depressed and that was her diagnosis, I think the tablets are prescribed for anxiety too but that would be like self-diagnosis and everyone says how dangerous that can be. Both the social worker and my friend said I had a rational reason for not taking the tablets but there advice is still to take it. If I do have Bipolar and I do not listen to advise that would be really daft. I so want a firm diagnosis that makes sense because it will really influence the way I deal with this.

I just don’t know what thought to type first, what if I forget some thing important as something else jumps into my mind. How are they going to help me if I do not get everything down? What if they do not think anything is wrong with me because I miss something important. Should I give this to my friend to read she would be able to tell me if I was dolayly. I can’t type quickly enough, I am tired though but I do not think I would be able to sleep. It is 11:30pm.

Dad just logged onto MSN messenger, I spoke to him but I still have not told him I am off sick. I just can’t stand the worried silences and the concern. He didn’t ask; it is Mum and my sister who will start asking questions. They think I hate them but they just do not understand. They still think I am going to go away travelling around the world but I do not think I want to go, not if I am going to get some help here, I don’t even know if I will get help though, I want long term help but then again I do not want to waste anyone’s time. It might be the case that no one can help me though, I am sure the social worker said at the end of the day I just have to help myself. What if there is nothing wrong with me and I just have to keep going, everyone will think I am attention seeking. Work was so crap they probably think I am skiving anyway. I SO SO SO don’t want to loose my job. I hope they do not make me take the career break if I do get some help.

I am just going to say about Thursday, as I have not really been able to tell anyone and writing is so much better. Why can’t I say I am just going to say about Thursday, people say I do not need to justify but I just can’t make a decision without, what if I get it wrong or someone thinks I am stupid. Anyway Thursday, I wanted to kill myself and I was thinking really hard to find a way but I couldn’t. I do think I would have taken the tablets if I thought there had been enough, I just could not think of a way. I was going to take them anyway but I was worried there would not be enough to knock me unconscious. I was going to go to the shop get some more, a knife from downstairs I don’t know. I know I did not want to die, I was really going to hurt myself though, but that is attention seeking and everyone hates attention seekers. I have interrupted meetings with stupid excuse questions as things have worried me, but were they just really stupid things, or did I really need them, did I just want attention? I don’t know? But I was not in control. I just did things out of desperation only to regret them moments later and feel even worse. My mind has wondered again I may have been thinking about this, I can’t really remember what I was panicking about.

I went to the doctors but there were no appointments until 3:10 and I had to push to get that one. They would not let me wait for 5 hours although I would have quite happily done so as not to be on my own. I decided I would drive to work late, on the way I heard about the explosions in London, I pictured everyone standing around concerned and talking. I came home again but I was worrying that someone would have seen me and said I was around and well enough to get there and did not go in. I would be fired. I came home and watched the news for a couple of hours, I started worrying about friends who work in London, if I sent them text messages I would worry they were trying to get through to family and more important friends but if I didn’t they would think I was uncaring and too wrapped up in my own troubles.

I want to put everything down but I am too tired. It is 1.43am. I am not sure if I want to avoid turning the light out or (I have forgotten the sentence I am starting to nod off) a micro sleep? Is that self diagnosis your hate me for that. I think I have anxiety disorder, it seems to fit, I don’t think I am depressed as I want to do this and write more but when I was depressed I just wanted to sleep all the time. I have been typing this for 3 hours. There is still so much to say and if I stop typing I might miss something.

I never did talk about Thursday, I want to say about Bipolar symptoms, feeling angry with system and loads more. I don’t think I can stay awake much longer but I won’t remember everything that I wanted to say. I have done this before stayed up this late with work and stuff. In the morning this will seem crap. With work one day last week I was typing some feedback for my supervisor. It took me until 1.30 am to do it. I knew I had got it better earlier in the evening and could not get it right again. I went to bed as I had to get up the next morning for work, I overslept, I was late for and I deleted the stuff I put in the email I had been writing as I decided it was better to talk to the person directly.

It is 1am now, I am so tired I am just going to list the other stuff I wanted to put down
1. I think I have Anxiety disorder
2. I can’t carry on like this, I will loose my job, I stare at the screen and go over and over things without making any progress
3. I love my job
4. I want some help knowing what are real concerns and what things are stupid
5. My friend is helping as a sounding board but I do not want to rely on her forever
6. I wanted to mention my boss and contact with work
7. Why I though I had Bipolar, I was just as sure about that as I now am about anxiety
8. If I mention anxiety to the social worker after having now mentioned bipolar he will really think I have gone mad on the internet diagnosis which he warned me about
9. How am I expected to just sit and wait a couple of weeks with all this in my head
10. How angry I am that I have not been able to get help-
11. How worried I am that I may have isolated family but how scared I am to call them
12. It is 1:10 am I think I might be typing crap!!
13. What if all this is just dismissed and I am told to turn the lights out earlier and stop messing around.
14. I have forgotten the next point.
15. I forgot to get ready for bed before I started, I was going to have a bath and try to stick to the bedtime routine I established over the past few days since I first spoke to the social worker
16. I have drank over a litre of water today plus some other drinks
17. I have bad pins and needles I have been sitting on my foot too long
18. I had something important and I have forgotten it again.
19. It is 1:14
20. I am going to get ready for bed and then continue
21. I have cleaned my teeth, still have make up to do and get changed
22. I did remember the other thing but have forgotten it again
23. Maybe I have a personality disorder and I am getting carried away with the anxiety
24. I must look that up
25. ok 1:19 must get ready for bed
26. got other thing
27. Not sure if to meet my boss and discuss Friday and whether I should share this with him. I frightened him on Thursday. I emailed him on Friday and he did not return my email, maybe he is avoiding me but he was working from home and I did not send it until later in the day
28. There are typos and spelling mistakes everywhere should I correct them or keep them.
29. I can not make decisions
30. I am typing crap I am going to go to bed, but I do not feel in control.
31. I wanted to put the mess my life is in and how much stuff I need to sort out, career break, travelling, handed notice in on accommodation, parents arranging going away party and have sent invites to everyone, I don’t wanna go.
32. ok 1:24 must finish getting ready for bed.

Right it is 1:30 and my mind is going numb but I will leave my laptop on incase I think of anything important.

I have just read this through maybe I am hypomanic. I was going to put maybe I am a genius and therefore have mania as I can’t be because everyone hates me. I bet I delete this sentence!!!

GOODNIGHT 1:33am

1:38 am
I just had a game of pinball. And started thinking more really scary thoughts, I started thinking about what I could put in the morning when I read this crap, I tried to justify it, I started to think of sentences in my head but then what if I put what sounds good rather than what I feel at the time. I could mess everything up.
I forgot to say why I do not want to take my tablets, what if it hides the real symptoms. I read the label earlier tonight, can’t remember why, it said they can treat anxiety along side depression but nothing about anxiety alone? What if I get stuff wrong people will hate me, I have said people will hate me before. I have thought that in the past maybe I am trying to manipulate my thoughts, how do I know what thoughts are real and what aren’t. I had to change that sentence it said what is real and not rather than thoughts, they might think I have schizophrenia.

People say a little bit of knowledge can be dangerous what if I am told I can not work at XXXXX cos I get exposed to Neuroscience information. I said I wanted to share this information with my boss, what if I share it and the company takes advantage of me to promote a product. What if I am advised to avoid stress and not go back, I love it there. I don’t think they would take advantage they have been really good to me so far. What if this gets into the press and get the company gets in trouble.

God, it is 1:53 am I am knackered and going to sleep, I am going to turn my phone off but my worse nightmare would be my Mum trying to call, can not get through and comes rushing down here. There is nothing she can do anyway.

I’m tired; I am going to the gym with my friend tomorrow. If I am not up with my phone on she will worry. I think my friend is different from my sister as I can just be with my friend and not do anything, she will not tell me what to do even when I want her to :o)

1:57am Goodnight, I will set my alarm to make sure I am up when my friend calls

A Sunday in July 2005

It is Sunday morning. It took me at least 30mins to get to sleep last night. I kept worrying. Wanted to put more stuff down but resisted. Don’t know whether that is good or bad. I still feel tired. It is 9:30 am, legs just shaking. I feel very tense and shaky. I am meeting my friend in an hour and a half so going to get up.

Should I take the tablet??? Logically I do not think I should take the tablet as I am not depressed, I wanna get up, I can’t keep still. I could lie and not take it. They did make me feel better last time.

It is 10:20; I am showered and dressed in my Gym kit. It has taken 40mins, I have been pacing most of the time I used to be able to get up and dressed in less than 15mins. I am still shaking and my legs are twitching. I can stop it but it is kind of more comfortable to let it happen. My head starts racing if I stop. I am going down for breakfast. Once I made that decision my leg just stopped and does not want to shake further. I am now worried there is nothing wrong, I feel a bit calmer and have just stopped. I feel sadder. That must make me really sick and actually want to be ill!! :o), I just feel numb and have a blank mind now. I will go down for breakfast while I am not shaking. I don’t know whether to take the tablet!

I have had my breakfast; I had two slices of toast and marmalade, a glass of fruit juice and a banana. I looked at the yakult in the fridge but forgot to have it.

I have just been thinking about what I was like as a child, stuff that might help the psychiatrist. A quick list as I am going out, I was always the weird one in the class, always called names, every school report said I lacked confidence, everyone called me shy although my friends disagree and I agree with my friends. I have been told I am the quietest person people have ever met although not in the last few years. As a younger child I was in trouble a lot for day dreaming and often sent out of the room as I could not sit on the chair for very long. Maybe I have ADHD?? I am going to stop trying to diagnose my self as I do not think it is very good for me!! I did not speak to the teacher when I first started school. I was too shy but I think I have grown out of it many many many years ago (ie. secondary school). My Mum still tells everyone I am shy.

Anyway; 10:45 must call my Friend. She is not ready for the gym so I have a bit longer. My mind has gone blank again. I am not going to take the tablets as I am not depressed, I have been depressed before and this is not the same!!

My friend is worried because a few years ago in the pub I went into the toilets and could not stop crying. The doctor had prescribed me antidepressants a little while before and I would not take them as I did not feel depressed. After that night I felt awful and I think I started taking them again. They do seem to give me a boost but depression is not the cause. I am getting a natural boost and extra hope from the support I am receiving from the social worker and my friend anyway. I do think there is something wrong with me though!! I do not seem to belike other people and do not feel I belong.

Right, I am going to pack my swimming gear and spend a few hours at the gym. I quite like writing this though it gives me a chance to get things off my chest.

I have just read yesterdays document, it all sounds quite normal does that mean there is nothing wrong with me and there is no help out there??? That has to be the worse thing as it means I have just been attention seeking. I would just have been wasting people’s time and a burden to others. But does that mean I want something to be wrong with me. Now that is sick!! I am going to be late to meet my friend and I still have not got my swimming stuff together.

I want to get everything off my chest but I should go and get exercise as otherwise I will be told to pull my life together. :o(

Technical Difficulties

I am missing blogging terribly, it has become my daily therapy and company in the evenings.

This is so slow and I have lost several posts, I will try again tomorrow :o(

Back to Work

Work was good today, I was productive and I enjoyed it.

My boss said some really nice things to me this afternoon about how far I have come in the last 6 months compared to how I used to be. He said that hehas received a lot of good feedback about how different I am now to how I was 18months ago. He said he loves working with me and I am one of the bravest people he knows. He said he was looking forward to my performance review next week. I could not ask for more support but I still did not tell him that I was not at work yesterday because I could not get up!

I explained to him how I find a good review at least as stressful as a bad one and he promised to keep that in mind next week. I find it stressful, the better I am doing the higher the expectations on me are and the more I have to loose if it all goes wrong again.

I went to the gym on the way home, I spent 20mins on the exercise bike and then did a yoga class. I felt energised afterwards. I went to Mc D's for tea.

I am going to read Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.

A day off work....

I have not gone to work today, I went to bed about 10pm and set my alarm for 6am. I pressed snooze a few times, but the next thing I knew it was 8.15. I got up and cleaned my teeth and washed myface but I felt a bit odd and all I wanted to dowas collapse on my bed. I rang in sick and went back to bed. I have just woken up at 1pm. I have slept for 15 hours that can not be normal!!

I feel quite well now though, I find a good nights sleep fixes many problems, I'd like to go to work this afternoon but I think it would lead to suspicion of why I was off. You can not exactly put over tired on your sick form (is this an illness), I do not want to put bipolar as it makes it seem like I am not coping with work. Has anyone got any suggestions?

I wish I felt I could go in this afternoon as I love work and I have a lot to do! I stayed up late for me (10pm) last night as I was getting stuff ready for work. I don't think I have done anything wrong by taking the day off but I do worry about it! Has anyone got any similar experiance of needing to take an odd day off work?

Sunday Night....

The weekend has been ok, I still feel a little low or possibly just normal, I don't think I know what normal really feels like. I don't want to die and my mind is not racing so I guess I am good. All I want to do is sleep though!

I went up to my parents for the weekend, an old uni friend stopped by to see me yesterday morning and after she left I took the 2 hour drive north to my parents. I felt quite ill on the way up and had to pull over. i had a slight headache (probably due to not sleeping well) but I got anxious about passing out while I was driving. I know it was anxiety making me feel worse as I was staying in the slow lane incase I wanted to pull over, when I hit some raod works and the hard shoulder disapeared I started hyperventilating. I was worried incase I had to stop and someone else would stop to see if I was ok, or the police would notice on a survelance camera. I felt really ill. I pulled over at the services, took a pain killer for my head ache and had a rest. I felt really weird when I got out the car but I felt much better after a drink of water and a pain killer.

I spent yesterday afternoon playing with my nephew and had dinner there last night. Today I slept in and then went out for lunch with my parents.

I am going on holiday with my parents and my nephew in 2 weeks. My friend could not get the timeoff work to go to New York so we ave put that off until September.

With the summer evenings being so long it is really easy to loose track of time and stay up too late!!

Bubble Burst!

It has been another busy week, I have been productive at work and things are still going well, I have been feeling like a normal happy person. I don't ever remember being so content.

I think spliting up with my ex was the best thing that ever happened to me. It used to hide behind him in social situations as he made me feel safe. The only problem was I did not do anything on my own - on the rare occasions that I wanted to he would stop me by not approving of my chosen activity.

Leaving him has made me face up to my problems - ok things came to a nasty crash but I got through it and the outcome was I am getting some much needed help.

The interdepartmental football team is going ahead, I am still really looking forward to it! We have even ordered football shirts.

I am going to stay with my sister and my nephew in the morning. Ihave not talked about my nephew much on here, he is two and a half years old and he is a lot of fun. I feel very protective of him - he is gorgous!! I am starting to feel a bit tired, I have not seen my nephew for about 6 weeks though and he changes so quickly at the moment.

I am addicted to blogging and chat rooms at the moment - I came straight home from work and log in every day. It probably isn't healthly but it is less like comming home to an empty house - I really don't like living on my own and blogging make me feel less lonely! I got quite stressed when I got home and could not login.

I suddenly feel quite low, I am going to go and make some dinner and go to bed, I have had an on top of the world week but the bubble has burst!

:o(

I don't want my psychiatrist to increase my medication further, I hate being on the pills and they make me sleep a lot. I do seem to be a lot better taking them later in the evening though, I just struggle getting up. The last few days I don't think I have slept as much. Normally I sleep about 10 hours a night but the last few nights I have woken up naturally after 7 hours. I felt really well though!

I guess I was a bit high - but oh well I had fun, I have BP II so I do not need to worry about getting too manic and I have not spent any money. I spent a few thousand pounds on nothing last year so I now have my savings in accounts where I need to give notice to get it out. I am going to go to bed early and hope things seem better in the morning - I have felt worse.